Friday, 22 July 2011

Mega Fines for Delinquent Bin Owners

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what the civil rights watchdog Ox-Rat claims is the most idiotic idea a UK local authority has managed to come up with since their last idiotic idea, the budgets slashed by the Libservative Chancellor are to be supplemented by fining hapless council tax payers to fund their councillor’s expensive jollies, ridiculous performance bonuses and bloated fat cat pensions.

The aforesaid penalties are to target residents who leave their wheelie bins out for too long, with fines of £1,000 quid - the largest possible penalty under the 1990 Environmental Protection Act - after the intellectually-challenged jobsworths running Scumborough-on-Sea Council claimed they posed a danger to visually-impaired persons – and drunks.

Letters of warning, bearing the heading ‘Read this, Tremble, and Obey’ have been dispatched via a team of the council’s Big Society volunteers, bearing said messages in forked sticks, to scores of residents in Scumborough who are deemed to be persistent offenders, despite the Libservative Government actually condemning such disproportionate punishments.
Householders have been informed they run the risk of ‘huge fines’ if they fail to remove their bins from the street after they’ve been emptied.

According to Scumborough Council the move is intended to make the streets safer for nursing mothers pushing prams full of sprogs, and blind and partially sighted people who collectively find such objects hazardous when left blocking pavements and are subsequently forced to walk on the road – where they fall prey to boy racer motorists – or face drowning in one the parmy-filled blight of elephant trap potholes with the pantomime circles of white paint sprayed around them.

However Bolshie residents are up in arms and threatening not only acts of civil disobedience but ‘bloody insurrection’ over the proposals, which would see people facing fines a dozen times greater than on the spot penalties handed out to shoplifters and kiddie fiddling child molesters by the council’s Tonton Macoute toughie enforcers from the Moron-Hire security agency.

Twatford Terraces resident Frank Dipshit, 96, told one gutter press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette “It’s an absolute waste of taxpayer’s money an’ time ter have these Renta-Thug community enforcement tossers sneakin’ round the streets checkin’ if someone’s put their bins away.”
“In Scumborough, householders are told ter leave their wheelie bins at the edge of their property fer collection. After them gettin’ emptied every two weeks, if yer lucky, it’s the effin’ binmen wot leaves the bins on the footpath ter trip up some poor blind sod instead of puttin’ the bloody things back where they got ‘em from.”
“Now these gormless pillocks are threatenin’ ter fine us £1,000 nicker if we don’t move our bins off the pavements after their lazy-arsed binmen leave them there.”

Ms Sue Fleecem, a solicitor with Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot, and a Scumborough-on-Sea resident herself, informed a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “This is bordering on the ridiculous. Penalties of a £1,000 per throw are ten times the amount dog owners get fined for failing to ‘scoop the poop’.”
“This constitutes a mercenary and perhaps criminally inclined attempt by these money-grubbing council prats to capitalise on blaming residents for their own wheelie bin recycling operative’s inefficiencies and laziness.”

In the government’s Wanton Waste Review last month – which conspicuously failed to live up to the promise to bring back weekly bin collections – Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Tory MP for Old Scrotum and cabinet secretary at the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, condemned such draconian fines as clearly disproportionate and plans to introduce a Parliamentary bill to strip councils of the right to levy large fines.
Sir Irwin further opined that punishments for erring householders should not be greater than the penalties imposed on criminals – ten years for armed robbery / fifteen for murder.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: