Thursday, 7 July 2011

Council Set to Boost McChew n Spew Profits

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Yep, the banner headline sums it all up in a nutshell – South Wales’ Bellend local authority, in their infinite moronic wisdom, are set to boost the profits of Biffo’s Barf Burger Chew n Spew outlet – and all at the expense of the hapless council tax payers.

At the moment pupils attending the Bellend Asbo Central Academy have to negotiate a hazardous walk via a roadkill festooned grassy verge running adjacent to the busy A69 dual carriageway when going out for their lunchtime nosh. This situation has prompted Head Teacher Candida Mingerot to petition the Bellend Town Council to establish a dedicated footpath along the proposed route between the school and the fast food outlets, to enhance the safety of legions of pupils as they wander aimlessly along the existing makeshift route shortcut with their MP3 players jammed in their ears and eyes fixed on their cellphone texting screens.

In response, the local Mayor, Guiseppe ‘Taffy’ Corruptioni, an Italian immigrant wheelbarrow mechanic who decided to stay in Bellend following the 2007 International Spaghetti Throwing Festival, has taken under consideration the construction of the half-mile footway that will link the school with the retail park’s plethora of chew n spew fast food outlets.

Conversely, critics of both junk food consumption and also reckless council spending on unnecessary and vanity-orientated projects during the UK’s deepening depression, are of the opinion that the link between the school and the fast food joints, that will cost up to £100,000 quid, has not only been approved by Mayor Corruptioni due the fact he’s a governor of Bellend Asbo Central Academy – but damningly the owner of Biffo’s Barf Burger outlet ‘and’ Toxic Tessie’s Septic Shake Centre – and hence his involvement with the aptly named ‘McPuke Path’ represents a direct conflict of interest.

While the path’s supporters claim it will create a safe route to the junk food outlets in the retail park area and the walk provide kids with a spot of well-needed exercise, critics believe it will prompt more pupils to eat burgers, chips and fizzy drinks and thus shun their 5-per-day healthy school meals - which 90% of pupils claim “Tastes like that shit me Mother cooks at home.”

On Monday, at the start of National Childhood Obesity Week, British Dietetic Association spokesman Fellatia Titwank opined to one press hack from the Fat Gits Gazette that the children would benefit far more from staying in school to eat balanced meals.
“So, wot the fuck they gonna eat an’ drink down at the fast food outlets? A fuckin’ big aspartame-laced fizzy drink an’ a shitty MSG-loaded grease burger in between two halves of a bromide-boosted barmcake – followed by a coupla scoops of some shit ice cream - an’ it’s Diabetes 2 in a bag guaranteed by the time they’re 16.”

Hmmm, Jamie Oliver's naked chef innovative 'decent diet' effort obviously didn’t work as the kids still prefer turkey twizzlers from the Greedy Grocer outlets, regardless of the £220 zillion quid spent on the healthy eating school meals project.

Alas, not everyone was a fan of his mission – with a backlash culminating in astonishing scenes at one academy in Smegmadale-on-Sea where parents set up a meals on wheels service delivering fish and chips, burgers and fizzy sugar-fortified drinks to the school and passing them through the railings to their salivating lard-arsed sprogs.

Likewise the children in Bellend were unsurprisingly in favour of the footpath, with Year 11 pupil Chantelle McSlagg, a 15-year old mother of three studying for her GCSE in Welfare Benefit Fraud, telling the media ‘Let’s face it, school dinners are crap – but as long as yer all eat healthy at home an’ have a pizza or a tin of beans of toast every night, then it’s okay.”
“I mean, who the fuck wants to eat lettuce or cucumber or bean sprouts when yer can catch that E-coli thingy from ‘em an’ shit yerself ter death.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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