Wednesday, 6 July 2011

DVLA Go ‘Political Correctness’ Bonkers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Bazzer McScrunt, 49, a senior seagull strangler with Smegmadale-on-Sea Council, paid £399 quid for a 'BO11 LUX' registration plate from the DVLA’s own website and fitted it to his new gas-guzzling 4 x 4 Rattle Rover SUV.

Parked outside the McScrunt family home at Moron Terraces, friends and family alike found the cheeky plate hilarious – however the laughter was short-lived when, six weeks later, Bazzer received a letter from the DVLA informing him the registration had been cancelled, claiming the plate was causing offence and threatened him with a fine of up to £1,000 nicker if he didn’t comply and remove it immediately – if not sooner.

McScrunt told one press hack from the Pisstake Gazette that "It's effin’ ludicrous, I saw the plate on the DVLA’s own website an' thought it might be a bit of fun to put it on me new motor.”
"Now the twats are threatenin’ to criminalise me cos some old bags from the local Townswomen’s Guild have taken offence cos in their dirty minds the plate’s got this ‘double entendre’ meaning thing an’ can be read as ‘bollocks’.

Ms Fellattia Gammer, the DVLA’s PR spokeswoman, informed the media "We do try to identify combinations that may constitute double entendres with rather risqué to vulgar underlying connotations – which might well cause offence to some prim and proper whingepot or asinine religious group.”
“However, on the rare occasions where potentially offensive numbers slip through the net, steps are taken to cancel the registration number – as in this particular case where the registration has been withdrawn, and Mr McScrunt will receive a full refund for the plate.”

“Really, this isn’t an isolated incident as we had one case last month where the plate on a white Transit van, specifically MX5 ZU2, which has no obvious, nor surreptitious, offensive double meaning in the English language, ushered in a veritable surge of complains from Easter European immigrants and a horde of Polish plumbers as it’s a very abusive swearword in their Cyrillic alphabet language.”

“Now that was one for the books and caused some head scratching as we didn’t know if it was a bunch of dodgy Polacks just taking the piss and having a laugh at out expense.”
“However, we do get our fair share of genuine ‘double entendres’ when someone gets to think about them. How about ‘F4 GOT’ or ‘H8 GAY’ – both very homophobic – just the same as FUD 69 in Scotland - or D1 KES – which actually belonged to a lesbo couple from Middlesex.”
“Then we’ve had CU 4T; FUC U2; EFF 2U; SNO7 TY; FCKU 2 MF; Y1D SS – highly anti-Semitic; P155 OFF; P1G 5TY; - and last but not least - T1T ED5.”

“And it’s not just private individuals in the public arena who file complaints with the DVLA either. When the latest Toyota Crapella 3-door came out last year and the company suffered a nasty spate of recalls due a very worrying ‘mechanical defect’ they requested the cancellation and reissue of the registration plate for their TV advert showroom model ‘PRO8 LEM’ – and the actual ‘problem’ was the accelerator pedals sticking and hapless drivers ending up involved in high speed collisions with non-moveable objects – such as motorway bridges. Not a very conducive registration to encourage sales.”

“Funnily enough, even the Archbishop of Canterbury filed a complaint with us a couple of years ago over the Catholic opposition at St Sodoms Church for Latter Day Pederasts in neighbouring Rough Common, as their priest’s car displayed a registration plate of 666 AN4L.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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