Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Dead Body Mans RattleTrack Ticket Office

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A furore has erupted between the RMT Union and UK train operators after it was discovered a dead commuter, pulled off the electrified ‘third rail’ of the London Underground tube lines during the night, had been sat in - and then tied to - a stool at the Smegmadale Station ticket office for several hours prior to being collected by one of the NHS’s Mortuary Service vans later that morning.

The union is calling for an official inquiry by the offices of London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense and Transport for London after the body of a suicidal commuter who’d also been hit by a tube train after receiving a fatal 630 volts DC shock, was scraped off the lines, pieced back together in haphazard fashion with Blue Tack, staples, jumbo paper clips and Gaffer tape, then allegedly left propped up in the station ticket office – with the hectic rush hour flow of commuters failing to notice anything unusual.

Apparently the corpse was already in a state of rigor mortis and only discovered to be dead when one of Tosspot Trains pikey contract cleaners from the Renta-Moron Agency came into the office and noticed a large puddle of red liquid on the floor, which upon ‘touch and taste’ investigation was determined not to be spilled herbal tea nor Ribena, but coagulating blood.

Bazzer McScrote, a regular commuter traveling from his 'margins of society' makeshift home on Smegmadale’s landfill site aboard First Crapita Disconnect, to sign on at the Euston Jobcentre, told one press hack from the Snafu Gazette that “I just got the usual response when I asked the guy sat on the stool by the ticket desk window if the Dorklands Light Rail inner-City service woz runnin’ on schedule or still on effin’ strike - an’ he just stared back at me an’ said nowt. Yer can never tell wiv Rattle Track’s staff anymore cos they’re all brain dead ter start wiv.”

In their defence, Transport for London spokeswoman Bev Titwank informed a reporter from the Self-Harmers Weekly that following a "person under a train incident" at Smegmadale Station at 05:10 BST that morning, CO2 Rail and TossRail services on the Circle and City line were suspended while the third rail power was cut and the body retrieved by paramedics from emergency services.

Ms Titwank explained “Cos the effin’ ambulance service are a bunch of squeamish twats an’ won’t transport dead bodies, night shift staff moved the dead bloke ter a secure location within the station complex – wot just happened ter be the ticket office – until the meat wagon from the NHS mortuary could come round an’ body bag the corpse an’ cart it off. By the time our staff had hosed the lines an’ platform down an’ got rid of all the blood an’ guts wot woz splattered everywhere it woz 07:00 hours an’ that’s when the station woz open ter the public again.”

Smegmadale police Sergeant Harry Fuctifino informed media hacks “This was probably yet another in this current spate of suicides due manic depression that we put down to the hapless public having to deal with delayed and cancelled services. We get a couple of dozen of these a week when the customer service tannoy announces that some train or the other has been delayed until next Wednesday, then all these weird commuter types that’s run out of Prozac go into collective lemming mode and hurl themselves onto the tracks en masse under the next train that happens to comes along.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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