Monday, 25 July 2011

FINA Swim Contestants Boiled Alive

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Fina, the governing body of the World Aquatic Championships, has copped for severe lashings of criticism due allowing the annual 25 kilometre open water marathon race in Shanghai to go ahead by complying with the moronic demands of Chinese officials, despite the sea being too hot and presenting a danger to life and limb.

Of the thirty-five swimmers who entered in the marathon, only a few completed the distance, with ten being pulled out by obliging fishermen after turning a nasty parboiled pink and floating on their backs – and the remainder becoming a cooked lunch for shoals of sharks and barracuda.

Six of the Chinese team’s contestants initially refused to take part in the race until ‘persuaded’ - at gunpoint - to dive in and get swimming by Shanghai-based Fina representative Mr Flip Flop Fong.

However gun-point exhortations were not enough to force US swimmer Billy Bob Redneck, who refused to participate in the event, held off the Jinshan City Beach where the pre-race water temperature was logged as 38.6 degrees Centigrade.
Another American swimmer, Sapphie Dildodo, did start the women's race but quickly floundered and hit the shore again when her breast implants swelled up and exploded – leaving her short of a bikini top – and a pair of nipples.

Fina’s Chinese president Sum Dum Fuk, told one gutter press hack from the Suttee Review that "All necessary safety measures were taken within the regulations and the water temperature was not bothering the fish. The problem was with the foreign competitors who were not in good shape or strong enough swimmers to beat our Chinese team – and make this excuse that the global warming phenomenon is to blame."

Conversely, last October the American swimmer Frank McCrappen was scalded to death during a 10 kilometre Fina event inside Dubai’s non-tidal Palm Island waters, where other competitors, who were lucky to escape with second degree burns, described the effect of the elevated sea temperature being comparable to having an enema with a pot of boiling coffee pumped up their arsehole.

The Chinese open water marathon champion Fuk Yew Tu, who weighed in at a bulky 95 kilos just before the start of the race, was discovered to have wasted away to a mere 40 kilos after passing out during the first five kilometre leg of the competition and being rescued by a fishing boat crew who mistook him for a red snapper.

The winner of the 25 kilometre marathon, Australian swimmer ‘Asbestos Jack’ McPyrex, completed the men's race in 5 hours, 10 minutes, 39.8 seconds – a full hour-plus ahead of Russia's Vladimir Pissedoffsky.
McPyrex told the media “Yeah, no shit, the water’s as hot as all Hell, but what the fuck – no pain no gain.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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