Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Clarkson: Engage Brain B4 Opening Gob

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Jeremy ‘Gobshite’ Clarkson went on the public record over the weekend, stating that he would rather quit his mega-bucks job than move to ‘Shitty Salford’ if the BBC decided to produce the Top Gear petrolhead motoring programme at MediaCityUK.

Writing in the News Corporation crime syndicate’s Sunday Times - and ironically displaying nary an ounce of shame he’s scribing a self-opinionated column of droll sarcasm for the Dirty Digger, Rupert Mudrock - he described the city of Salford, a place he’s never visited, as "a shitty slum area of Manchester whose only saving graces were hosting a Starbucks and having a string of canals infested with man-eating ducks".

In his motoring column the six-foot plus ignoramus continued: "The dump’s miles from any court of significance and nowhere near a single politician that matters” – a direct insult to the ginger-mingin’ Labour MP for Salford, the Parliamentary expenses fiddling Hazel ‘Dumpy’ Blears.

Clarkson continued with his diatribe of condemning the hapless city with "Furthermore, if we ran the show from Salford, we'd be employing yobs and scallies who live in slums like Coronation Street and look like the stick insect cloth cap peasants in Lowry’s paintings.”

Conversely, Salford Council's Labour leader Bazzer ‘Pitbull’ McScrote opined to one press hack from the Daily Shitraker "Fer a bloke that’s never bin ter Salford his comments simply demonstrate his contempt fer anyone he considers less than his social equal, and are thus born out of this unqualified arrogance that possesses the stupid Brillo-bonced dog wanker.”

“Clarkson’s got shit-fer-brains, an’ a bad habit of opening mouth before engaging brain, hence not a bloke given ter considered opinion. What a sad twat, dissin’ Salford, the centre of the Industrial Revolution, when his own roots lie in dingy Doncaster and his family made their money on the ‘tea cosy’ market – an’ he kicked off floggin’ pirate copies of Paddington Bear at car boot sales.”

“But now the pillock has a few bob he’s got big ideas wot surpass his limited intellect so reckons he can gob off an’ insult who the fuck he likes wiv impunity. Believe me, if the Beeb ever did move the Top Gear programme ter Media City then we wouldn’t grant that tosser a visa ter come here.”
“So, bollocks ter owt that Clarkson has ter say – yer can’t educate pork – an’ the best yer can expect from a pig is a grunt.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: