Tuesday, 31 May 2011

NATO Civilian Body Count Tops Taliban’s

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

NATO continue to maintain their civilian body count lead against the Taliban muhijadeen following a recent US-led air strike which snuffed a further bonus bonanza of fourteen non-combatants – and clocked up a fatality score comprised of two nursing mothers and twelve infant children in Bellend province, south-west Afghanistan.

The gospel according to the nonpartisan Warmongers Gazette claims the air strike took place in the Nawzad district after a US military base came under a hail of stones on Saturday from a gang of rock-throwing goat herders pissed off at the gung-ho moronic troops using their stock for target practice – an incident which resulted in the complete routing of the incumbent guards from the 21st Body Bag Brigade, who then carried out a quick risk assessment and decided to summon an air attack to regain their position.

General Wormhole Jaffacake, commander of the Afghan Army’s elite ‘Ragtag Regiment’, addressing a press conference in Kabul, informed red top tabloid reporters that “These NATO and US clowns in uniform are worse than the Taliban for killing our civilian population. Their helicopter gun ships are supposed to have all kinds of hi-tech equipment – such as infra-red heat-seeking capabilities and laser-guided armaments, yet they cannot even hit a bunch of Bolshie shepherds with their Dual Mode Seeker Brimstone missiles but destroy orphanages and schools and hospitals by mistake – or perhaps purposely. I mean, who is in charge of this clusterfuck fiasco – Wiley T. Coyote?”

The incumbent Afghan President, Hamid Kami-Kharzai and his Kleptocracy Party government have previously lodged legions of complaints with the NATO and US high commands – (which operate with legal impunity and devoid of oversight in their war-stricken shithole of a country) - against the nihilistic parameters of the continuing Operation Kill Every Fucker – and this week, according to the contractual working agreement dictates governing the occupation forces of foreign military powers, after President Karzai phoned a friend, decided to issue a third – and final – warning to cease and desist snuffing tax-paying Afghan civilians.

Conversely ISAF commander, US General Billy Bob Betrayus, told one reporter from the Grim Reaper Weekly that “These guys have got ter realise this is a war an’ shit happens. Fer Christ’s sake, it’s only a dozen damn rugrats that got blown away – yet another case of FFS (Friendly Fire Syndrome), which amounts ter acceptable collateral damage in ma book.”
“Hellfire, jest wait til’ we invade Pakiland in retaliation fer them hiding’ bin Laden an’ grab their nuclear weapons arsenal, then the FFS index is gonna soar – but who really gives a flyin’ fuck how many get snuffed as they breed like flies.”

This latest tragedy comes on the heels of last week’s major military fubar when a US Marine patrol guarding the CIA’s opium crops in Uruzgan were ridiculed – laughed at and called ‘pig-eating heathens’ - by a group of burkha-clad Afghan grannies doing their laundry on a river bank - and vindictively radioed for an Apache chopper air strike as payback - which resulted in a bonus of unexpected overtime revenue for the local undertaker and grave digging squad – and a surprise intake at the town's orphanage.

While the Islamic fundamentalist Taliban insurgents are being blamed for civilian deaths in Afghanistan, the actual killings of Afghani non-combatants by the US and NATO infidel foreign aggressors is a source of deepening anger and resentment at all levels of their society and works in the Taliban’s favour.

Separately, to add insult to injury, twenty Afghan police and eighteen civilians were killed on Wednesday in another NATO ‘Friendly Fire Syndrome’ air strike snafu in the north-east province of Nuristan, during a skirmish in which some thirty Taliban fighters were reportedly sat on a hillside waving US pennants while applauding the missile and napalm attacks which also wiped out an undisclosed number of American troops belonging to the 18th Cannon Fodder Regiment.

Thought for the day: The Afghans shouldn’t take these attacks on civilian non-combatants too personally as NATO’s homicidal maniacs and psychopaths are doing an even better job in Libya where the UN Resolution 1973 conveniently provided the required excuse to enforce a no-fly zone and ‘protect civilians’ – of whom another dozen were blown away, with scores wounded and maimed, by precision laser-guided bombs and missiles loosed in a NATO air strike which targeted Zlitan, west of the city of Misratah, on Sunday night.

To ensure there’s ‘nowhere to hide, the UK’s RAF – (whose attacks have killed hundreds of non-combatants and revolutionary fighters since the aggressive military action kicked off in February to unseat Gaddafi and, alike Iraq, gain control of the country’s vast oil reserves) - are now being kitted out with Enhanced Paveway III bunker buster bombs to blast the shit out of anyone who thinks they might be safer underground.

Bravo, peace on Earth and goodwill to all men.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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