Gov’ Okays Arming of UK Transport Plods

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Teams of moronic British Transport Police (BTP), armed to the teeth with handguns and assault rifles – and all loaded to the hilt with Black Talon expanding killer rounds - are to patrol the railways and London Underground to counter the ‘Alice in Jihadland’ Islamic terrorist threat.
Oh yes, this is the same propaganda-conjured terrorist hazard that’s still lacking one vital ingredient – genuine Muslim terrorists – and not smoke and mirrors false flag agents provocateurs, alike the 7/7 tube and bus bombings which resulted in the Canary Wharf ‘Kratos shoot-first snuffings’ of Mohammed bin Patsy and Lee Harvey ibn Himar – and their two Yorkshire Paki’ stooge compadres).

Thankfully the intellectually-deficient BTP officers haven’t been ordained to carry anything more dangerous or sharper than a ballpen until now, but this morning Transport Secretary Philip Scammond (the Tory MP for Runnynose and formerly Shadow Minister for Duck Islands and Moat Dredging) told one press hack from the Gung Ho Gazette that henceforth the force would have its own armed capability so BTP thugs could be deployed as required in response to the burgeoning terrorism threat level at any given time and blast away anyone wearing one of Poundlland’s Osama bin Laden masks - or resembling a backpack-toting Brazilian electrician.

Speaking in the House of Conmans, Scammond informed fellow MPs that by arming BTP officers and training them to point and fire guns - and not shoot each other in the process – then fielding them on station platforms would deter football hooligans from committing acts of anti-social and violent behaviour while travelling to and from matches – and hopefully further dissuade irate commuters from whingeing and complaining about Rattle Track’s and Shitwork Rail’s crap train services being interminably delayed.

Scammond concluded that a bonus point, in addition to perhaps deterring attacks by actual terrorists of the genuine Muslim Jolly Jihad variety was the fact the BTP could be seconded to assist the Met’s Riot Squad thugs in kettling anti-government demonstration protesters, tipping disabled students out of wheelchairs and beating passer-by news vendors to death as an example to other radical and dissident anarchist types.

“The Libservative Coalition government has been mulling justification for a nation-wide overall armed capability for all uniformed officials – including PSCOs, Community Enforcement Officers, traffic wardens, lollipop ladies and binmen (refuse recycling technicians) and has concluded that it would be beneficial to enhance their overall potential and efficiency to equal that of the United States trigger-happy psychopaths who pose as officers of the law – and get away with fatal taserings and double-tappings on a daily basis.”

BTP Chief Constable Andy Tosser, a former car park attendant, informed the gutter press "Effin’ dead right we should have guns. My blokes is at risk from armed yobs an’ scallies an’ all that shit 24/7 – an’ these Arab terrorist suicide bombers wot enjoys blowin’ themselves all ter fuck an’ back just so they can go ter Paradise an’ shag virgins.”

As the BTP’s website states under the header ‘BTP Firearms Capability’ relating to Minister Scammond’s recommendations: “Should the public be alarmed by this development?”

“No one should be alarmed by this as there is no specific intelligence about a terrorist attack on the rail network – unlike 7/7 when sneaky Muslim Jihadists used the Met’s anti-terrorist drill to blow up three tube trains and a bus. However, people should be aware that the Government’s terrorist threat propaganda is real and ever present and the current UK threat level is still classified as ‘Severe’ - as long as MI6 and Mossad remain loose cannons and unregulated to hatch further false flag terror attacks. We remind and ask that the public remain in their conditioned paranoid shit-scared vigilant mode and report any suspicious behaviour to BTP on 0800 40 50 40 or dial 999 if they hear anything go Ka-Boom!"

Muse for the day: So, yet another tip-toe step by our panopticon surveillance / control-obsessed government - out to confront and quell any form of civil dissent with corps of armed morons and sociopathic thugs. Beware the pre-crime thought police, alike Don Quixote tilting at windmills – or Captain Queeg hunting down the strawberries – out to apprehend that criminal mastermind and perpetual enemy of the state - Emmanuel Goldstein - and his legions of little helpers – which now encompass the ranks of environmentalists, peaceniks, animal and political activists – anyone, in fact, who harbours or has the sheer anarchistic audacity to express views that differ or conflict with those of the government.

Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.