Fifa Bribes: Qatar says “So What?”

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Giving evidence to a Parliamentary House of Conmans Select Committee earlier this month, the former FA chairman Lord Jack'kov Snitchmann up-ended a veritable can of wriggly worms by revealing a culture of greed-driven wheeler-dealing and mega-bucks palm-greasing, and put the boot in full force by accusing several members of Fifa, football’s world governing body, of asking for bribes in return for supporting England’s (failed) bid to host the 2018 tournament.

Apparently Russian oligarch and owner of Gulag Gaz, Oleg Mobsaroubles paid Cameroon’s Fifa official, Winnebago Chuckabutty, and Wormhole Jaffacake from the Ivory Coast a bribe of US$1 million apiece to win the 2018 World Cup host bid – with the same pair of scallies paid £900,000 in big brown envelopes by a Qatari PR agent - the shock winner of the battle to host the World Cup in 2022.

However, the Qatari officials responsible for hosting the 2022 World Cup this week changed stance and have described allegations they paid bribes in return for votes as ‘an insult’ and ‘distressing’ – with Qatar’s Minister for Graft & Corruption, Prince Mustapha bin Himar al Baksheesh, informing one press hack from the Carrot & Stick Gazette that “This is the way business is conducted here – and we never refer to such enticements with vulgar words like ‘bribes’ but rather ‘facilitation fees’ – paid to achieve a desired result.”

The Qatari soccer team coach - former Celtic mid-fielder - Angus ‘Pitbull’ McTwatt, who was slapped with a lifetime ban during a 2007 Rangers match when he spit the dummy at being handed a red card and bit the referee’s whistle-blowing hand off – went on to work as a cormorant strangler at the Loch Tadger Highlands Resort prior to being recruited by Qatar’s Football Association in 2009 and tasked with turning a sow’s ear into a silk purse.

Speaking to one reporter from the Dog Wankers Review in Doha, McTwatt explained “These blokes founded their soccer club in 1930 and while bein’ quite adept at scorin’ own goals, they haven’t managed ter win a single fuckin’ thing in 80 years. Hence I’ve bin recruitin’ players from around Europe an’ Africa ter try an’ get the team’s strikin’ and defence capabilities up ter scratch – which is a bit like tryin’ ter shove butter up a meerkat’s arse wiv a red hot knittin’ needle. So even if they can’t win anythin’ or even qualify fer a place in the World Cup, then at least they’ll get ter be second best an’ host the bloody tournament in another ten year’s time.”

“I spoke wiv Prince Ras al Shitbag last week, he’s the Minister for Kleptocracy here, an’ agreed ter bail out a couple of war criminals in Kosovo wot were handy players before they got their arses arrested on ethnic cleansin’ charges – so at least we’ll be addin’ some blood an’ guts muscle ter the team.”

“But as ter all this kerfuffle about bribery ter secure the 2022 bid, can yer really blame them considerin’ all the dosh they’ve paid out fer a pitch of real turf laid on gritty bloody desert sand - an’ how much waterin’ it takes in this effin’ heat – four million bottles of bloody Evian water a day. We only hold trainin’ sessions an’ play practice matches at night when the sun’s down cos they roll the pitch up an’ keep it in cold storage all day.”

Regardless of Qatari delusions concerning ‘entitlement’ and their bizarre sense of logic towards bribery and corruption, Fifa president Septic Bladder has now ordered the launch of an investigation into allegations involving four other officials named by Lord Snitchmann - whom include the Trinidad & Lumbago-born vice-president ‘Slack Jack’ Warner and Fifa presidential candidate, old piranha-teeth, Mohamed bin Hammanegg – coincidentally the founder of the Qatari Halitosis Club – plus career scumbags Debbie Minguell and Jason Sylvester of the Caribbean Backhanders Football Union.

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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