Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Parrot Grasses up Animal Smugglers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An Albanian national travelling on a dodgy Irish passport was arrested in Thailand, at Bangkok's Suckurplums International Airport last weekend after several endangered species of mammals - including leopards, panthers and a black bear - were found hidden in his check-in baggage.

The suspect, who identified himself as Pikey Pete McScumm, was in the process of boarding a first class flight from Bangkok to Dubai when one of his suitcases started ‘growling’, which attracted the attentions of the normally half-asleep and apathetic airport security staff - who refused to accept the story that the luggage had only recently been crafted from freshly-slaughtered alligator hide and the ‘growling’ phenomenon was normal in the curing process.

However the suspect agreed to open the baggage for inspection after a cocked handgun was held against the side of his head Рupon which a proverbial menagerie of exotic animal cubs Рall just a few weeks old - were discovered in a drugged state Рalong with three fertile velociraptor eggs contained in a battery-powered incubator ingenuously disguised as a carry-on attach̩ case.

A systematic search revealed a second set of identity documents - including an Israeli passport in the name of Shylock Scattstein – plus a syringe filled with Vegemite - though the smuggler denied being a hard-line user or addict, claiming the banned substance was for personal use only and he enjoyed spreading the malodorous shit on buttered toast soldiers – a foul habit he explained he’d picked up while serving a three year custodial sentence in one of Australia’s sodomite paradise prisons - for sexually molesting a duck-billed platypus.

The gospel according to Ms Chlamydia Muffitch, director of the UK-based ScallyWatch quango, states the trafficking of endangered and exotic animal species is becoming an endemic crime stretching across international borders and one to equal contraband shipments of drugs and arms, due the potential mega-bucks returns from oil-rich clients in the Middle East out to portray themselves as Grand Panjandrums of the desert, alike the Emirs of the Arabian Nights, and not simply a bunch of nouveau riche despotic vulgarians with the culture sense and finesse of a rutting hog.

Ms Muffitch informed one gutter press hack from the Bootleggers Gazette that the Bangkok affair, caught attempting to smuggle a veritable micro-zoo from Thailand to Dubai, was simply one of many coming to the attentions of InterPlod.

“Last month we had a shifty Levantine merchant by the name of Freddy Fagin pulled over by security and customs in Kenya at Nairobi’s Tom Mboya International Airport, booked for a flight to Jeddah in Saudi Arabia, when his oversized suitcase set the safety alarms off on the check-in baggage weighing scales – as the contents exceeded 500 kilos.”

“At first the customs security staff thought it was yet another simple case of ivory smuggling until they clicked after noticing the pachyderm’s trunk hanging out of one of the suitcase air holes. It’s a dead give-away when they book first class tickets to get the extra baggage allowance – then moronically forget how much an actual elephant weighs – definitely on the up-side of forty kilos.”

“Okay, you’ve all heard the stories of ‘drug mules’ coming through European airports with condoms of heroin or coke stuffed up their arseholes or minges. Acting on intelligence from our office, the Italian plods recently intercepted one group of slutty Namibian mules posing as tourists that landed in Rome on route to the shitty little Persian Gulf emirate of Al Qatar, who had a full colony of kidnapped meerkats, drugged out on ganja and stuffed up their main female orifice. Plus the Italian customs became suspicious of the women’s ‘incessant giggling’ and orgasmic paroxysms caused by the captive creature’s death throes as they regained consciousness and struggled, to no avail, to escape the stink of rotting kippers and gasp for air.”

However, as Ms Muffitch commented, the illicit trade in exotic animals is rife and global in scale. Only last week a gang of Jamaican monks from the Rastafarian Church for Latter Day Yardies on a pilgrimage to Eithiopia were apprehended at Kingston Airport while checking-in for a flight to Paris, en route to Addis Ababa.
A search of their baggage discovered several rare Hyacinth Macaws in a sedated state after one of the birds awoke and started calling out repeatedly, high in oath and typical ‘parrot-fashion’ - “Fuck the rumble in the jungle - Polly’s going on holiday!”

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

See links: http://giraffe in a golf bag.com/
: http://hippo in a hold-all.com/
: http://cormorant in a carrier bag.com/

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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