Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Highland Paedo’s Barbequed in Moors Fire

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Highlands of bonny Scotland have been blighted with a series of unwitting arson attacks caused by pisshead Jock alkies lying in the heather swigging liquor and smoking hash after indulging in a quick hand shandy, then flicking their smouldering ciggy ends off into the wild blue yonder – and starting an inferno to equal the Devil’s own chilli-fest barbeque.

Albeit arson investigators from the Highlands Fire and Rescue Service have blamed the now-extinguished blaze that devastated fifty hectares of hillside grouse moor overlooking Loch Nadgers on a half-eaten pack of carelessly discarded Marmite sandwiches that reached a critical mass state due being left out in the Spring sunshine and spontaneously combusted - creating a massive sub-nuclear fireball.

Meanwhile, a handful of surviving members of the East Grampian Pederasts Society had to be airlifted from the Torridon mountainside in the north-west Highlands as raging moor fires swept across their camp site on the 5,000 acre West Kinlochewe estate of Lord Hamish Cornhole.

The Grampian group, hailing from Scotland’s notorious crime (and kiddie fiddling) capital of Scaberdeen, had set up camp at the edge of the estate’s Doggers Wood with a troop of Boy Scouts from the St Sodoms School for Latter Day Catamites, there to celebrate the festival of St Trinian of the Tartan Tadger Martyrs.

According to survivors’ reports, the Boy Scout campsite eventually swelled in numbers to an excess of a hundred as they were joined over the bank holiday weekend by the Scaberdeen-based ‘Jocks in Frocks’ Club membership of the Ferryhill Masonic Temple – an assemblage further augmented with the Glenmanky Cross Dressers Club, the Killiwacky Sheep Shaggers Society, the Caledonian Cottagers Guild - and a group from the Tartan Transvestite Ramblers.

Alerted to imminent danger in the early hours of the morning by an encroaching blanket of thick smoke while soaking his sore sphincter in a bucket of iced water, a 12-year old Tenderfoot known as Wee Willy the Goat sounded the alarm and the Boy Scout troop attempted to arouse the camp, only to discover all the adults they were out cold in a Viagra and grog-induced stupor – so led by first class scout ‘Asbestos Jake’ McTwatt - who declared “Fuck the arse bandits – we’re outa here!” - the lads took off for the shore of Loch Torridon and fire break safety – leaving the inebriated paedo’s to fend for themselves and awaken as the flames licked their privates.

Chief Inspector Genghis MacScally of the Scaberdeen police force informed gutter press hacks outside the Stonehaven coroners court that it was only the terrified screams of a certain Sheriff Dondeen Buchanan and Alderman Mockitt McScrote that woke the other members of their party to the danger – prompting them to flee the flames in a hysterical ‘headless chicken’ formation - ascending the steep and bare rocky slopes of Tom na Gruagaich to seek safety. From there they dosed up on Valium and shared a hip flask of first malt to calm their shattered nerves - before summoning emergency air ambulance evacuation assistance by cellphone.

Rescue services later recovered the charred cadavers of some 85 adults – which prompted Asbestos Jake and Willy the Goat to comment “No shit – the trunk monkeys found out how hot Hell is before they even got there.”

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals – or Boy Scouts were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of Scots kiddie fiddling pederasts were reminded of their crimes - still awaiting to be brought to book and justice. As the old Asian farming adage states: “The water buffalo is slow but the Earth is patient”. Karma accords all to come full circle.

Thought for the day: Fuck the Freemasons and the institutionally-corrupt and venal Scottish justice system – and all who sail in it.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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