Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Fiji to Enter 2012 Eurovision Song Contest

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The results of last Saturday night’s 56th Eurovision Song Contest in Dusseldorf, which attracted 120 zillion brain-dead telly viewing ‘sheeple’ globally, have jolted a veritable plethora of whingepot sore losers to ‘up in arms’ mode, claiming that the actual ‘Euro’ in Eurovision should apply to EUSSR members - or at least European countries – and definitely not to the Central Asian Third World bunghole of a tip that won the competition – Azerbaijan.

John and Edward Grimey, the moronic Dickensian-sounding twins who hail from Eire’s County Dork, and perform under the name of Jedward – and for some mystifying reason managed to find fame (sic) on the X Factor - failed to win the contest’s final in Germany - finishing a piss-poor eighth out of a total of twenty-five entrants with their song ‘Dipshits’.

Jedward’s manager, Pikey Pete McScamm, told one Fourth Estate press hack from the Daily Shitraker “Yeah, wot the fuck’s goin’ on I’d like ter effin’ know – I had a whoppin’ big wager on wiv Paddy Bets that’s gone tits up. Me boys woz effin’ great an’ should have won – then yer gets this pair of twats from Azerbaijan takin’ first prize. I mean ter say like, Azerbaijan’s next ter Russia an’ the Caspian Sea an’ Iran an’ no-effin’-where near Europe - even as the crow flies - so how the fuck do they qualify?”

“Then yer got this other glitzy slut from Russia wot cum second – old big tits Miss Tekem Orloff – singin’ some spiked up Cossack vodka-swillin’ ditty written by that Morrocan Bellend bloke, wot’s Lady Gaga's raving fudger of a songwriter – an’ Orloff shouldn’t have bin in the competition either cos Russia’s not part of Europe either, is it – it’s in effin’ Russia.”

Regardless of the ridiculous spectacle presented by the Jedward twins - dressed in sparkling red jackets with padded shoulders and putting on a frenetic performance that left one wondering if they were suffering from a bout of St Vitus Dance, they obviously impressed the contest’s televoters and juries as much as they once did X-Factor panjandrum Simon 'Shitbag' Cowell when he quipped "They're a cloned pair of vile little shits who’d step on their own mother's head to have a hit.”

Graham Norton, the contest’s super-poofter commentator, who came across as being as funny as chemotherapy and as much idea about world geography as an Asbo NED yobette, told one media hack after the winning entry was announced, that he though Azerbaijan was one of the ex-Soviet bloc Baltic states – located somewhere between poxy Poland and Estonia.

Azerbaijan’s winning entry, ‘Mossad did 9/11’, was sung by radical Muslim minstrels Ell and Nikki (Ell Gasmask and Nikki Gammer) while the UK came in at a pitiful 11th place - with boy band ‘Sky Blue Pink’ singing ‘Fuck a Dead Pig’ – which contained a prophetic choice of lyrics, speifically: "We've never lost anything quite like this - but there's always a first time, lads”.

Bravo – a definite first for clairvoyance, intuition and prediction: Gypsy Rose couldn’t have done better with her crystal ball and a pot of tea leaves.

However, even Sky Blue Pink’s pathetic efforts were to be surpassed, for as the votes started to come in a note of embarrassment crept into Graham Norton's voice when Moldova - a place many viewers thought was the council estate where Dildo Baggins lived in Tolkien’s ‘Middle Earth’ - crept ahead with a group called Zdob si Zdub, whose vocalist Stanislaw Pissedoffsky sang their latest hit single ‘Dog Wankers’ - and whose bizarre MO involved wearing over-sized gnome’s hats and fielding a naked woman on a unicycle with no seat – wearing nowt but a shit-eating grin that’d put the Cheshire cat to shame.

Thought for the day: As Eurovision’s winning country is obliged to host the following year’s contest it’s obvious that 2012’s shebang is going to be held in the Islamic state of Azerbaijan’s capital of Baku – the only city in the shithole with electricity - and one fuck of a long way from Europe – especially by bike or on a bus.
This poses a geo-political dilemma that might be juxtaposed with last year’s bid by Tibet to join the EUSSR Common Market – in a desperate attempt to swap China’s Big Brother totalitarian jackboot on the back of their proverbial necks for that of Brussels.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit,

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: