Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Twitter Hijacked by Twats

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Twitter user turned ‘twat’ has cunningly abused the social networking come micro-blogging service’s protective anonymity factor to skirt privacy laws and unmask arrogant rich and shameless celebrity scumbags who’ve obtained super-injunctions to prevent the publication of sordid details concerning their hallowed personal lives.

The Twittering twat outed a number of public figures, though the tweets appeared to contain purposely-concocted slanderous errors garnished with enough of an element of truth to pass muster – which has kicked the teeth right out of the secret-injunction strategy and rendered them be as much use as the Roman Catholic priesthood’s vow of celibacy with regard to their effectiveness as a tool in the legal administration and imposition of privacy writs.

However, several Fourth Estate gutter press tabloids, and Parliamentary MPs, have attempted to challenge the court orders, declaring it should be the House of Conmans and not the justice system which decide on the introduction of any such privacy law.

The Libservative Coalition Slime Minister, Posh Dave Scameron this week confided to one gutter press hack from the Snitch & Grassers Gazette that the increasing use of such strict gagging orders made him feel uneasy – unless he needed to have one issued personally to keep the lid on stories about his membership of the school Sodomites Club while he was at Eton.

Though Twitter might be castigated and labelled as being a single step up (or down) from gossiping fish wives who used to get punished with a ‘scold’s bridle’ for their slanderous utterances, the network can be used as a superb black propaganda device – or even to spread the gospel of the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing like the Truth.

This factor became apparent to ex-motorsports boss Slapsy Maxie Mosley– aka ‘Herr Spanker’ – who learned to his chagrin when business rivals invaded his non-existent right to privacy by using Twitter to report on his disgusting and perverted sex life – dominated by a fetish for wearing his Nazi Grupperfuhrer uniform and caning his whores before he can get it up.
Rumours that his Chelsea-based BD/SM dungeon ‘playroom’ was also equipped with an Auschwitz style ‘gas chamber’ to stimulate his dirty deviant sexual tastes and get his ‘humps’ pissing their pants and screaming prior to getting the arses bonked off them have been strenuously denied.

The Pakistani celebrity socialite slapper Jemima Puddledfuck (nee Goldbrick) recently tweeted: "Rumours that I have a super injunction preventing publication of intimate photos of me giving Top Gear’s grotesque petrolhead Jeremy ‘Longshanks’ Clarkson a suck n swallow blowjob then taking it up the arse are simply not true - and more than likely a story put out by the lanky piece of shit himself. Seriously, I wouldn’t fuck Clarkson while there are dogs on the street – especially that big Doberman next door.”

Lord Peter Scandalson, aka ‘Vermin in Ermine’ and New Labour’s answer to Machiavelli, was brilliantly exposed last year in a series of embarrassing Twitter posts by a certain shunned and aggrieved ‘Broken-Hearted Rupert’ concerning the ex-Business Secretary’s adulterous clusterfuck affairs with banking scion Nutty Natty Rothshite and a string of Coldstream Guardsmen – behind the back of live-in Brazilian partner Reinaldo de Silva - while the latter had been playing the beast with two backs with ex-BP boss, Lord ‘John-Boy’ Brownhatter.

The gorgonesque Miss ‘Blonde Moment’ herself, Julia Middleclass, chief panjandrum of the Orwellian ‘Common Purpose’ social engineering junta, copped for a sound lambasting on Twitter in March concerning photos of her indulging in pre-dusk al fresco three-hole clusterfuck sex by the lakeside at Kent’s stockbroker belt Doggers Wood Golf Course – with a pair of swan-roasting Albanian pikey immigrants.

BBC presenter Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr only last week decried the use of super-injunctions – while admitting he had previously been issued with one personally some years previously to keep the lid on his steamy affair with Channel 4’s ‘Desperate Slags n Slappers’ programme presenter, ‘Soundbite Sally’ McSkagg.

To demonstrate that even judges can get outed on Twitter, the High Court Justice, Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock went into a state of hermit-like seclusion last Christmas over revelations of gross acts of cottaging in the public toilets on Wimbledon Common with rough trade male prostitutes solicited from the neighbouring Scroteborough Hamlets hoodie community and paid to wear Womble costumes.

Last but by no means least, with Twitter being a global networking service, Yankee hotel heiress Paris Stilton has this week dispatched her army of compliant 24/7/365 lawyers to apply for a mega-bucks super-duper secret injunction to keep her medical files confidential after one whistle-blowing scumbag, who identified himself as Mr Qui Tam from Wanking - hacked into them and threatened to post details of her numerous sexually-transmitted diseases on the ‘tweet’ site - and further get her placed in the Guinness Book of World Records’ ‘Multiple Mingerot Infections’ section if she didn’t agree to do an online Skype webcam strip-tease and dildo herself with a Fresh n Easy cucumber while he watched and jacked off.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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