Sunday, 22 May 2011

Bubblehead Beatrice Flogs Pretzel on eBay

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

At street parties the length and breadth of England, the common sheeple gagged and spewed up their Pol Pot Insta-Noodles and Hedgehog Tikka Masala en masse as the royal ‘renta-dent’ Rolls pulled up outside Westminster Abbey and a piranha-toothed Morticia look-alike appeared wearing a 22nd SAS regimental beige felt beret, criminally modified, in the name of bad taste, by the likes of Jimmy Choo-Choo to resemble a pretzel-shaped dunce cap.

Was this the blushing bride, Kate Middleclass, resplendently draped in a Mogul’s ransom of Sarah Bunghole conflict diamonds, just having a bit of a laugh to lighten up this joyous yet solemnly serious occasion – or simply the royal retard, Princess Beatrice, doing her customary trick of looking like an utter twat to attract attention and compensate for her pathetic lack of self-esteem – and cerebral grey matter?

Alas, t’was the latter, followed closely by her equally moronic sister Eugenie, wearing a chemtrail-blue millinery concoction that appeared to be a scavenged prop from Mel Brooke’s ‘Men in Tights’ – with a festoon of Big Bird’s tail feathers attached to complete the ridiculous spectacle of ‘The Slapperella Sisters go to the Ball’.

The villain responsible for these exorbitantly-priced monstrosities of fashion is Irish milliner Pikey Pete McScrunt, the son of a Galway swan poacher, who also adorned the chain-smoking spouse of the ‘Plant Whispering’ Prince Chazzer – none other than Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole, with an inverted black jelly fish to distract attention away from her crevice-ridden face - and fitted out Auschwitz Diet Queen, Victoria Peckham, in a magpie’s nest garnished with leprous slugs and slices of raw smoked bacon - plus a score of other celebrity shits and titled wedding guests in his flamboyant creations on the big day – with Candida Palmer-Scroteberg’s wimple and yashmak ingeniously crafted from a Bactrian camel’s scrotum to hide her cocaine-ravaged Channel Tunnel nostrils.

However, it was the outrageous creation perched atop the empty noggin of Chlamydia Knobb-Hedd, scion of the Smegmashire Knobb-Hedds, wearing a concoction of furry road kill, draped with the intestines of a juvenile Sudanese cluster bomb victim, delicately cradled in a Palestinian baby’s sun-bleached rib cage – and all topped off with a cormorant’s severed head.

Considering McScrunt charges a £2,000 quid minimum for a dead meerkat’s tail or a festering Roland Rat pelt to adorn one of his fascinator bonnets, this perhaps might be compared or paralleled with the Emperor’s new clothes when a bunch of over-privileged split-arse sluts are prepared to pay the Paddy milliner a fortune for the privilege of being made to look like a troop of utter cunts.

Beatrice is currently engaged in a Combined Studies BA at Numptyford University where she’s pursuing - in the tradition of her spendthrift and influence-peddling mother, Flabby Fergie, the Duchess of Pork - graduate courses in ‘Ostentatious Waste’ and ‘Hedonistic Squandering’, and at Mummy’s urging has posted her royal wedding headgear creation on eBay for auction to the highest bidder – where the Frankenstein monstrosity of inelegance has been labelled a Turkey Twizzler, a contortionist’s toilet seat – and ‘one hell of a fucked-up pretzel’.

Bids on eBay currently stand at £80,200 nicker – with the hopeful vulgarian buyers - all of whom obviously have more money than fucking sense - numbering thirty-eight so far. The auction ends on Sunday evening - with the proceeds going to Eugenie’s favourite scrounging institutions: the Virgin Islands-based ‘Distressed Royal Sluts’ and the ‘Fat Fergie in Crisis’ charities.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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