Saturday, 21 May 2011

Wicked Windsors Visit Emerald Isle

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Queen Elizabeth, the UK’s 96-year old hard-wearing Mk II Mighty Monarch model, accompanied by His Royal Rudeness, the Duke of Edinburgh, has just concluded a four-day state visit to the Republic of Ireland and miraculously remained immune from assassination attempts by the Provos and countless other moronic paramilitary organisations with a bone of historic contention to pick with the British ruling establishment regarding the centuries of human rights and wrongs visited upon them.

To mark her visit the Queen, wearing a gold lamé Kevlar flack jacket, delivered an eloquent speech at a state banquet in Dublin Castle, where she was treated to the traditional Irish mixed grill of mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes and chips.

Unfortunately, and to the embarrassment of Westminster, Lizzie turned the speech opportunity into an annoying ‘Sorrygramme’ political correctness cum reconciliation session, and apologised at length for Oliver Cromwell being such a twat when he invaded Eire in 1649 with his New Model Army, during the Wars of the Three Kingdoms, and began the re-conquest of the country on behalf of England's Long Parliament.

Since the Irish Rebellion of 1641, Ireland had been under the control of the Irish Confederate Catholics, who fucked up ‘royally’ in 1649 by signing an alliance with the English Cavaliers party, which had been defeated in the English Civil War.
Cromwell's forces went on to kick the bejaysus out of the Confederate and Royalist coalition and occupied the country – then imposed a series of draconic penal laws against the Catholic population and confiscated large amounts of their lands – for which the Paddy’s still regard old Olly as a reviled and hated figure who no longer figures on any Fenian’s Christmas card list.

The Queen then added "It is a sad and regrettable reality that through history your island has experienced more than its fair share of heartburn and flatulence, but with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight we can all see that aligning yourselves with the Papists in Rome was a big mistake – especially so where birth control is concerned."

The trip combined visits to historically significant sites with tourist attractions – as per Thursday’s excursion to one of Real IRA’s knee-capping centres and adjoining shallow graveyards, which was seen as a snub by the False IRA – and also the Provos – who have never been forgiven by Westminster for blowing up Ross McWhirter in 1975 as revenge for not listing them in the much vaunted ‘Public Enemies Number One’ slot of his Guinness Book of World Records.

One notably symbolic event was yesterday’s ceremony at Dublin’s Garden of Remembrance, where all those who gave their lives in the cause of Irish freedom and to abolish the Customs and Revenue tax on Guinness and Porter are commemorated – an occasion slightly marred by Prince Philip turning up in his Black & Tans regimental uniform and whispering to an aide: “These bastards blew up my Uncle Louis’s boat back in 1979 – while he was on it.”

Following that embarrassing faux pas the royal couple visited the Irish National Stud in Kildare so Queen Liz could indulge in her fetish for horse flesh and grope a few sets of stallion genitalia – a hereditary perversion inherited by her equestrian-faced daughter Annie.

Obviously able to glean some insider racing tips from the trainers and jockeys, Liz’s next stop on the drive back to Dublin was at Paddy Power to shove a few quid on an outsider in the 3:30 at Ballybunion.
Unbeknown to the British public, Lizzie feeds her gambling addiction with a secret ‘royal’ account at Ripoff Ronnie’s, the ubiquitous High Street bookmakers, betting the taxpayer’s hard earned cash on the gee-gee’s.

Wednesday afternoon saw Liz and her Greek geek of a spouse Philip attend the annual turnip hurling tournament at Donegal – an event hotly contested by competing teams from across the length and breadth of Eire, with the 2011 winner’s cup going to Pikey Pete O’Scrunt of the Connemara Bomb Chuckers – renown for his past skills of lobbing grenades into Proddy bars and British army check points from a safe distance of 300 metres.

But not all was fun and games as earlier on Wednesday Lizzie’s engagements had included a visit to Croke Park sports stadium in the capital, where 22 hapless Mick footballers - and the referee - were indiscriminately shot and killed (read ‘murdered’) during the middle of the 1920 Dublin-Tipperary Gaelic soccer match by the Royal Irish Constabulary – as a reprisal for the assassination of 14 British Intelligence officers, known as the Cairo Gang, by Michael Collins's 'hit squad' earlier that day – an event that has gone down in the annals of homicidal infamy after the match was awarded – posthumously – to Tipperary.

Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams, whose party refused to attend the state dinner, told one press hack from the Janus Gazette that Lizzie's ‘very sorry’ speech was ‘utter bullshit’ – but added: "Queen Elizabeth's acknowledgement that the relationship between Britain and Ireland has not been entirely benign is one fuck of an understatement. However, such will be forgiven if the future policy of her government is about getting their Proddy arses out of Ulster and anointing the reunification of Ireland.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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