Sunday, 22 May 2011

Rapture & End of World Put on Hold

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, it’s Sunday morning, the 22nd May, Doomsday’s scheduled chance has been and gone, and every fucker and their dog are still here – the Faithful, the Saintly, and the masses of Godless heathen atheist scum alike – thus we conclude, so much for that ‘Old Time Religion’.

The 2011 ‘Tribulation / End of Days’ prediction forecast by American Christian radio host Billy Bob Dorkbender, 89, stated that Jesus Christ would materialise His earthly presence on Saturday, May 21st – between the regular business hours of 9:00 to 6:00 - and 200 million true believers be duly swept aloft, or ‘Raptured’, to Heaven - apart from the war-mongering heathen kiksters and neshekers who worship the false gods of Jehovah and Mammon, indulge in careers of usury and host a genocidal disposition towards their Palestinian neighbours – plus those ‘dark African Muslim deceivers’ who claim high office on the strength of counterfeit birthrights and forged documents.

So, what a pity to have cancelled the regular Saturday afternoon barbeque and a few beers, to assemble the entire family sat lotus-fashion on the lawn – with Grandma whingeing about her varicose veins and red ants nibbling her haemorrhoids – all staring up to the skies and chanting the Yoga sadhana ‘Aum’ mantra – and then have sweet fuck all happen in the way of divine deliverance, and nary a mention on the six o’clock news of Jesus’ Second Coming – or ‘Going’.

Fundamentalist and radical Christian Congregationalists belonging to the Rev. Dorkbender’s Cheesy Crust Church of Latter Day Morons, had accepted his mathematical formula theory that the Rapture was coming this weekend.
They believed God’s ‘Chosen Few’ (themselves) would ascend to Heaven on Saturday, May 21st, leaving infidels and atheists and middle of the road agnostics behind to cope with the Apocalyptic ‘Tribulation’ crap brought about by the commercial mismanagement of cabals of greedy banksters and the multi-national military-industrial corporations with their New World Order illegal wars of aggression.

Of course, certain practical questions had arisen, such as "Who the fuck’s going to look after Fido and Tiddles, and water our botanical companions when we get Raptured off to Heaven?" Not a problem, according to the enterprising heathens running Earth-Bound Pets and Post-Rapture House Plant Care, who offered to take care of ‘The Faithful’s’ dogs and cats for a contractual fee of $135 bucks per pooch or moggy – and hose down the greenery for $35 bucks per month.

Bazzer McScrote, the founder of Earth-Bound Pets, has an excess of 250 clients on his books – all paid up front for his services - though he speculated to one gutter press hack from the Gullibility Gazette red top tabloid his doubts that services would actually be required as nobody was going anywhere. “Hey, do I really give a shit – we’re on a winner regardless as all these dopey pricks have paid for post-Rapture pet care in advance – and I don’t do refunds.”

Ms Beverly Titwank, spokeswoman for the Cheesy Crust Church of Latter Day Morons, informed a reporter from the Sceptics Review that the Rev. Dorkbender had frowned upon any of the faithful staging Rapture parties as it would be politically incorrect to be taken aloft and arrive at Heaven’s Gates half-pissed on Budweiser and Jack Daniels.

Thought for the day: The gospel according to the Rev. Billy Bob Dorkbender’s self-published Apocalyptic tome, he predicted that Doomsday would manifest like chancres on a two-bit whore in September of 1994. When the Rapture failed to occur on the appointed day he claimed to have made a mathematical error and revised his calculations for 17 years hence – May 21st 2011.
Do you think it’s about time this guy got in touch with reality, took a course in ‘critical thinking’ and had his maths checked by teacher before predicting Armageddon and the end of the world again?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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