Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Obama Promotes Paddy Roots

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

US President Barky O’Barmy and his Hottentot-arsed missus Michelle touched down yesterday in the bankrupt Republic of Insolvency at the start of a pit stop visit to Europe – with the ceremonial red carpet arrival ritual cancelled due their landing in the middle of a massive HAARP-generated thunderstorm that followed on the tail of Air Force One from Washington.

O’Barmy stated for the public record that it’s his wish while in Eire to pay homage at the St Achmed’s Mosque of Latter Day Cuckoos in the isolated rustic village of Donnymulatto in County Offal, which was the home of his great-great-great grandfather, Cletus O’Barmy, one of Eire’s first analogue teleprompter makers.
His son, Rastus Jaffacake O’Barmy, said “Fuck it” at the height of Ireland's Great Tater Famine in 1850 and emigrated to Kenya at the age of nineteen (to escape the legions of rabid Celtic cannibals ranging across the length and breadth of the country scavenging for something to eat) where he prospered by setting up a counterfeiting agency in Nairobi which specialised in forged birth certificates.

According to Candida von Mingerot, the veteran American feminist reporter, O’Barmy’s visit to the Emerald Isle, and specifically the side trip to the ancestral village, to glad-hand bunches of Guinness-swilling Fenians, is an attempt to woo the 40-odd zillion shit-for-brains American voters who likewise have Irish-Kenyan roots (but don’t harbour any moronic pretensions about being Hawaiians – or able to surf) to cast their 2012 ballot for the incumbent ‘Hope n Change’ Democrat.

Arriving in a rain-lashed Dublin, described by the Met’ Office as the worst weather to follow a US President across the Atlantic since Dubya Bush visited, the O’Barmys met with Irish President Pikey Pete McScally for a few pints of porter at the Tinkers Bar on Bomb Chuckers Lane and later held talks with the newly-inaugurated transvestite Taoiseach, ‘Edna’ Kenny, who presented ‘Paddy’ O’Barmy with his family’s heraldic coat of arms carved into the hardwood surface of a recycled Wimpey scaffolding plank.

The shield is set with a surfboard lozenge, paired assegai supporters and argent giraffes rampant – with an ostrich feather crest on a torse of Free Trade bananas – complimented by left and right compartments of spuds and turnips and a coronet of coconuts – plus a chevron inverted, charged with three mullets gules - and the O’Barmy clan’s tribal motto emblazoned across the base in the ancient Gaelic-Swahili script, which roughly translates as “Why risk the Truth when a Lie works better”.

The psychotic and socially-ambitious Michelle O’Barmy handed an Irish ‘wish list’ to her Secret Service detail, who spent a sodden afternoon out searching through the fields of County Offal for a four leaf clover – without any remarkable success.

Her request to meet a leprechaun and cop for a souvenir doubloon out of his pot of gold turned out to be a total disappointment when it was explained to the moronic clot that they were only the stuff of fairy stories - but reassured she needn’t worry as they’d be able to shake hands with a real French leprechaun later in the week - President Nicholas Sarkozy - and give him a pat on his pointy little head for luck.
A request to go and kiss the Blarney Stone received a terse reply that she and Barky were already more full of crap than a Christmas goose.

Amidst this melange of pageantry and bullshit, O’Barmy is also scheduled to visit the UK, Poland and lastly France, where he’ll attend a meeting of the Group of Eight (G8) major world powers to show off his new Hawaiian birth certificate and chew the duckfat with the Chinese Premier concerning the greedy, grasping US bids to shut down any and all Sino commercial investments in Africa and Greater Asia - in an attempt to preserve US corporate monopolies and maintain Western hegemony – and keep the Middle Kingdom’s nose and influence right out of the order of things.

Upon completing his pilgrimage to the family hearth in County Offal, the O’Barmy’s will later fly to London where they’ll be lodging at Buckingham Palace and meet the Queen.

Prior to their visit a ‘risk assessment’ has been undertaken and evaluated by Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Palace Protocol Officer, who decided, in the interests of political correctness, that his Royal Rudeness, Prince Philip, should be shunted off to Balmoral for the week just in case he comes across Barky wandering about and hands him his shoes to shine – or starts shouting for security, demanding to know why “There’s a darkie sneaking around and up to no good – has anybody counted the bloody silverware?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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