Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Driving Offence Excuses Win Comedy Award

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The results of a recent study carried out by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money - in conjunction with the DVLA and National Traffic Police - reveal a damning catalogue of inventive reasons fielded as extenuating circumstances and vindication for committing a smorgasbord of driving offences.

A taxi driver racing through central London to reach the nearest public toilet and avoid shitting his pants, due a bout of Irritable Bowel Syndrome - and a woman rushing to the local pharmacy to buy a pack of Tampax before she bled to death - are two of the more credible reasons proffered for exceeding 100 mph in a build-up area - and parking in a shop doorway.

Chief Inspector Armitage Shanks of the National Traffic Police informed one press hack from the Porky Pies Gazette that “Some of the excuses motorists come out with to exonerate their transgressions simply defy belief and should be included in the script for a TV comedy show.”

“Last month my lads copped for an inquiry with the IPCC when some trollop with a people carrier, who’s hubby’s a bigwig at their local Freemason’s lodge, spit the dummy and filed an official complaint that she’d been subjected to harassment and victimisation after she was pulled over and ticketed as the four children sat in the back of her vehicle weren’t wearing seat belts – plus she was driving in the bus lane – to which she shot back at the mobile patrol officers with blatant arrogance: “They’re not my children - and I’m doing the school run today so I’m entitled to be in the bus lane.”

“For those too tight-fisted or lazy to have a Bluetooth device fitted, the instances of being tagged for using a mobile phone while driving are legion. One man so apprehended was asked by the police officer whether the call was an emergency, to which he replied: "Actually, no - my wife's in a horny mood and was calling to remind me to get a pack of C-cell batteries for her jolly jackrabbit vibrator and pop a couple of Viagra tablets before I get home."

One Smegmadale resident caught exceeding 120 mph on the south-bound carriageway of the M6 admitted his offence but attempted to vindicate himself by pointing to the back seat at his wife and mother-in-law - stating for the record “We’ve been at the Windermere Flower Show and they want to get back home in time to watch the X-Factor – so they keep nagging for me to go faster. I’m sorry for the speeding and changing lanes like a madman but I had quite a lot to drink over lunch.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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