‘Smeggy’ Dissed as Tourist Resort

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Lincolnshire resort of Smegmadale-on-Sea has come in line for a large dollop of flack, being described as "tacky and cacky" in the latest edition of a leading travel and tourism handbook.
The new ‘British Grungy Dumps Guide’ inimically describes ‘Smeggers’ as “the resort of last resort – which should be fenced off and bread thrown in once a week” – plus being typical of Britain’s coastal holiday destinations – another ABC shithole: Asbo’s, Bingo and Candy-Floss.

The Grungy Dumps Guides took off like a Muslim terrorist with a charge of Semtex hidden up his jacksy and became internationally sought-after following the release of their 1970’s bawdy travelogue which focused on rating the legions of Happy Ending ‘rub n tug’ massage parlours, ranging from Mumbai to Bangkok to Manila to Honolulu to Acapulco to Panama City to Tenerife to Morocco to Turkey - titled ‘Around the World in 80 Wanks’ – followed by the best-selling ‘Spotting Thai Ladyboys for Dummies’, and the award-winning vade mecum ‘Essential Somali Pirate Slang for Hostage Sailors’.

Although the guide’s publishers did suffer a reversal of fortune in 2009 when they were slapped with an injunction by Scotland’s Holyrood Parliament preventing the further release of copies of their controversial A to Z of pederast hang-out’s in the Grampian region’s crime and kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen - titled ‘Paedo’ Delights for Jocks in Frocks’ - they have since gone from strength to strength in dominating the global travelogue market.

Not confining themselves to their own views, the Guide’s researchers ardently seek out local opinions, with one ‘Smeggy’ resident, a certain Mrs Candida Mingerot, relating “I hate the effin’ place but me husband comes from here so I’m stuck wiv it. We never hang around Smeggers fer an evenin' out ourselves but eff off down the coast a few miles ter Slumborough Sands, cos yer gets a better class of drunken scumbags, druggies an’ muggers there.”
“This place is rife wiv bunches of yobsters wiv their slags an’ one of them piranha-teeth Pit Bull baby biters strainin’ on the leash an’ barkin’ its effin’ head off at owt that effin’ moves as they strut about up an’ down the beach an’ promenade all effin’ day an’ night.”

Likewise, the Grungy Dumps Guide compares ‘Smeggy’ to the Lancashire mill town’s retreat of Slackpool: “Good for stag parties, shitty tattoos, crap beer, poxed-up Scouse whores and cottaging sessions under the pier after dark. It is recommended that if you are of the suicidal variety of tourist out for the thrill of a life-threatening experience then you should preferably visit mob-handed and wear a stab vest”.

Conversely, Frank Bogbrush of the Smegmadale-on-Sea District Council, who promotes tourism for the town claims the Guide’s views are “utter bullshit and exaggeration”.
"It’s all a load of old bollocks, ABC resort of last resort indeed. It’s not all chew an’ spew fast food stalls an’ warm lager – we’ve stacks of culture projects goin’ on as well – like Pikey Pete’s Punch an’ Judy show – and donkey trekkin’ along the beach – an’ dodgin’ the scavvy bastard seagulls from nickin’ yer ice cream in a single swoop. Compared ter Slumborough Sands or Slackpool we’ve got culture comin’ out of our arses.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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