Saturday, 1 January 2011

UK Charities ‘2011 Begging Hypocrisy’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Oblivious to the irony and hypocrisy of their mendicant demands, the UK’s 166,000 registered begging bowl charities - being tax-exempt themselves – are urging the government to levy a tax on the bloated annual bonuses awarded to shit-for-brains overpaid banksters – so as to afford the planned 2011 salary increases for their own grasping CEO’s.

Stephen Blobb, the chief executive of the ACEVO organisation, which represents 2,000 Common Purpose graduates / charity leaders in Britain, and a man whose personal £90,000-odd quid per annum salary (2010-related) defies logic for a man supposedly working for a ‘voluntary public body’ – informed one reporter from the Cadgers Gazette that such a levy was vital to prevent thousands of charities closing or cutting services in light of Chancellor Georgie Oddball’s draconic budget cuts.

Sir Stephen – just knighted in the New Year Honours list on the strength of the fact he’s ‘friendly’ with some of the shirt-lifting Tory prats infesting Whitehall – is a man whose ego far surpasses his limited intellect, and a person who still believes wood grows on trees.
Currently Blobb is the incumbent CEO of the UK’s Association of Chief Executives of Voluntary Organisations (AVECO), which is calling for a new tax on banksters’ bonuses to help protect their organisations from funding cuts – and further ensure their personal salaries are indemnified against 2011 inflation rates.

During an interview with the Moochers Review, Blobb called for a meeting with Chancellor George Oddball to suggest the zillions of pounds that would be raised by the tax he is proposing could be channelled straight into the Big Society Bank set up by the Libservative coalition to encourage social enterprise – and help foot the bill for their continued illegal military operations in Afghanistan – and further bailing out the bankrupt Republic of Eire.

Blobb, who claims he was knighted for services to advancing the New World Order cause of international Zionism and Freemasonry, informed a gaggle of gutter press hacks from the red top tabloids that if his penny-pinching scheme was implemented then charities would be able to beg the government for funds to help to fill the gap left by the estimated £1 zillion quid being shaved off local government grants as part of Chancellor Oddball’s dystopian spending cuts – further arguing that most council’s pondscum jobsworths had a "Neanderthal approach to cuts and were ready and willing to wreak havoc on UK communities sooner than tighten their own belts a couple of notches.”

The inept Libservative coalition has so far resisted bringing in a new tax on bankers' bonuses, but its levy on the balance sheets of banks is expected to raise £2.5 billion quid this year and a further £9 billion for the Treasury over the coming four years.

Conversely, in response to Stephen Blobb’s parasitic demands, London Banksters spokesman Sir Mildew Leech told media reporters “What the fuck - tax my annual bonus? Bullshit - over my dead body!” just before he was hit on the head with a charity box and dumped in a coffin.

Bazzer McScrote, spokesman for the ‘School of Hard Knocks’ organisation, told reporters “Well, fuck me sideways - if it’s a volunteer organisation, why are they claiming ridiculous an’ exorbitant six-figure salaries wot would keep an average family of ten starvin’ Somalis in drought-stricken Mogadishu wadded up wiv house-keepin’ money fer ten years? Wot der fuck happened ter ‘pro bono’, I ask yer? These greedy CEO bastards are corruptin’ der entire ethos of der voluntary sector by even acceptin’ dat kind of excessive renumeration while goin’ round wiv’ their charity boxes, scroungin’ off der unemployed an’ homeless public. This is der cancerous culture of greed wot’s polluting der voluntary sector.”

*Riverside Housing Group: Deborah Shackleton, chief executive, received a salary of £231,000 for 2008-9.
*Barnardo's: Chief executive, Martin Narey, earns a salary of £166,532.
*National Trust: Fiona Reynolds, the director general, is paid between £160,000 and £169,000.
*British Heart Foundation: Peter Hollins, chief executive, enjoys a salary of £153,000
*Action for Children: Top dog Clare Tickell was paid between £130,000 and 140,000 last year.
*Guide Dogs for the Blind: Bridget Warr, chief executive, earns between £120,000 and £130,000.
*Age Concern: Director General Gordon Lishman earned £117,488 in 2007-8.
*RSPCA: Mark Watts, chief executive, received £105,500 in pay and perks in the year to April 2009.
*The RSPB: Chief executive Graham Wynne's pay and benefits were up to £100,000 for 2007-8.
*Victim Support: Gillian Guy, the group's chief executive, earns a salary of £100,000*World Vision: Justin Byworth, the chief executive, received £99,994 in pay and perks in 2008.
*Greenpeace: The current salary of the organisation's chief executive, John Sauven, is £65,000.

The following charities were contacted by The Daily Shitraker but refused to name their highest earners:

*NSPCC – Highest earner received pay and perks of between £110,001 and £120,000 in 2009.
*Anchor Trust – Jane Ashcroft, deputy chief executive, stepped in as acting chief executive after the resignation of John Belcher who earned nearly £400,000. The charity said it did not know who will be the permanent replacement and how much they will be paid.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: Charity begins at home – or fucking well should do.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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