Twat-Watch Slams Nigerian Polls

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ox-Rat and Twat-Watch, the international government abuse whistle-blowing charities, whose painstaking expose work has given new meaning to the term ‘political chicanery’, have both labelled as an ‘utter sham and fiasco’ the recent presidential primaries in Nigeria – forecasting this Spring’s 2011 election will manifest as a ‘circus without a tent’ and be comparable to the current administrative ballot box fuck up in the Ivory Coast.

These latest revelations were made public as a PR spokesman for the Third World shithole’s President Who’sYaDaddy Ebele Jaffacake, announced “De Boss am won de primaries!” - making him the favourite ahead of April's elections.

Mr Jaffacake’s main challenger was ex-vice-president Winnebago Abu Kaka, whose main support camp consisted of a rabble of parties of self-interest, including northern province warlords and wannabe conflict diamond powerbrokers – until he was recently arrested on what many claim were trumped up charges of baboon sodomy and vampirism.

The People's Very Honest Party candidate has won every poll since the end of military rule in 1999, with Who’sYaDaddy Jaffacake becoming leader after the freak event death of the elected president, Umaru Chuckabutty, in May last year when he was the victim of a hit-and-run accident while taking a shower in his fourth floor apartment – an incident still under police investigation.

"I declare Who’sYaDaddy Jaffacake to de the winner of dis presidential primary," the chief returning officer, Mr Corruptioni Jaffacake (no relation) told a party convention in the cesspit capital of Abuja, after the votes were counted by volunteers from the local blind institute.

Some 5,000 People's Very Honest Party delegates gathered in the city's Baksheesh Square where the vote took place. The incumbent President Jaffacake won with 2,736 votes compared to Mr Winnebago Abu Kaka’s grand total of zero votes.

However, a spokesman for Mr Abu Kaka alleged ballot box rigging and intimidation. “Just you look at all dese ballot forms wid de name Abu Kaka crossed out an’ de name Jaffacake scribbled in wid pencil. We paid out good money bribing people to vote for us an’ dis is what we get – downright cheating.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.