Thursday, 13 January 2011

Royal Wedding Pub Hours Extension

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The latest barmy scheme to emerge from the Libservative Coalition’s ‘Brainiac’ think tank, to complement the extra annual bank holiday on the 29th April 2011, is an official government invitation for the unemployed and working elements of Britain’s cash-strapped peasantry to enjoy a ‘Right Royal Pissup’ - with pubs mandated to stay open to cater for the ‘last man standing’.

In what political critics and Keynesian economists are comparing to Nero’s fiddling, they are questioning the motives behind Posh Dave’s ‘boozer opening hours’ extension – juxtaposing it with the Roman games – staged to take the long-suffering public’s minds off the catastrophic balls up that Caesar and the Senate were making of the empire – and in Scameron’s case to divert attentions away from his draconic public spending and welfare benefit cuts – and university tuition fee hikes – and the drastic, negative amendments to job-related statutes in his planned Employer’s Charter.

According to the Libservative’s ‘Numpty Logic’, first the public oicks have been awarded an extra ‘unaffordable’ bank holiday to help the fucked up economy sink further down the drain, now we have extended pub hours for the binge drinkers – and every other twat and their dog - to get pissed out of their brains while watching Prince Willy and Kate Middleclass get hitched in Westminster Abbey on the boozer’s telly, staggering home more fucked up than a soup sandwich and good for sweet FA the following day – wallet contents depleted / credit cards loaded - on buying a hang-over.

In an effort to cheer up the miserable British public and jolly the spirit of the royal wedding along, pub landlords will be permitted to extend their opening hours up to 06:00am across two nights without needing permission from local licensing authorities.

Fellattia van der Gobble, chief executive of the British Bingers & Pub Association, informed one reporter from the Pissheads Gazette "This is great news, and it is really good to see the government recognising a brilliant opportunity for us all to get together down at our local boozers to celebrate a great national event and end up totally shit-faced.”
"With state-of-the art TV and Greedy Grocer microwave insta-nosh, washed down with pints of Bitch Thumper lager, the local pubs will be right at the heart of the royal wedding celebrations, and are the perfect place to spend your jobseekers allowance and disability pensions."

Bazzer McScrunt, director of Smegmadale’s Pit Bull Breweries, told the Alkies Review that they were planning a specially concocted 10% ABV ‘Wills & Kate’ commemorative ale for the occasion, which would be on sale through their nation-wide Troublespot Taverns pub chain.

Wills and Kate are to be joined in ‘holy matrimony’ by Fraggle Rock’s ‘Harry the Hermit’ look-alike Archbishop of Canterbury before returning to Buckingham Palace in a glass carriage – drawn by a team of six environmentally-friendly horses - along Parliament Square, Whitehall and The Mall – totally avoiding Regent Street and all likely radical anarchist elements of dissident student society involved with tuition fee hike protests.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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