Wednesday, 19 January 2011

BP (Biggest Polluter) Sign Russia Deal

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

British Petroleum, the notorious marine polluter whose 2010 Deepshit Horizon rig disaster turned the once-pristine Gulf of Mexico into a toxic tar pit with a mix of crude oil and Coreshite 9500 dispersant, today took a break from their 24/7 task of ‘responsibility denial’ and left the buck-passing to their PR spin doctors while sneaking off to sign a mineral exploration agreement with Russian energy firm Rostheft - to exploit potentially huge untapped deposits of investor’s money under the guise of surveying for oil and gas below Russia's Arctic shelf.

The so-called "strategic global alliance" will see the firms exchange sleight of hand expertise and financial legerdemain in milking foreign joint venture partners for all they’re worth – with vague promises of ‘guaranteed returns’ backed up by the Moscow Mafia.

As part of the deal Rostheft will take 5% of BP's diminished value shares in exchange for approximately 9.5% of worthless Rostheft stock, with the BBC's business editor Rupert Pisspot claiming that "BP executives are viewing this as the first piece of good news since the Transocean rig fuck up in the Gulf of Mexico last April Fool’s Day.”

Likewise, BP's chief executive Billy Bob Dudd informed media hacks that "This unique agreement underlines our long-term, strategic and deepening links with the world's largest crime syndicate nation. We have a great team ready to lead this joint venture with Rostheft – with Oleg Mobsaroubles of Gulag Gaz at the helm and Igor Sackashit of Wankprom Oil as his second-in-command – backed up by Shylock Scattstein, CEO of the Tel Aviv-based Ripoffs Bank – and not to forget we’ll have the Russian PM Vlad Putrid signing all the necessary exploration permits and environmental pollution liability waivers.”

"Hey, and pay no attention to this negative gossip and bullshit from industry critics It’s all jealousy and nothing more - claiming we’re sticking our necks out in getting into a relationship with Rostheft. Our deal might well appear to the uninitiated to be a controversial one due the fact Russia’s not seen as an entirely transparent society nor a stable place to do business now it’s commercially dominated by a cabal of ex-KGB Mafia running things at the Kremlin. But hey, wait for it, what a deal to manipulate company share values and the benchmark price of crude oil.”

Meanwhile, back in the UK, the Libservative ‘Minister for Firewood’ Chris Huhne hailed the agreement as a groundbreaking development. "This is great for British industry. BP gets access to huge tracts of the unexplored Arctic Circle to pollute
and the criminal scallies running Rostheft get access to BP’s banking system to launder their dodgy money.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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