Sunday, 16 January 2011

Brit’ Tourists Rave Over Tunisia Hol’s

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

British tourists, manic-eyed from the effects of drugs, booze and blood-lust, and visibly exhilarated after being evacuated from riot-stricken Tunisia, arrived back at Manchester International Airport last night from Monastir, relating graphic descriptions to gutter press hacks of the sensational scenes of conflict and gratuitous violence that provided a Busby Berkeley end to their winter vacation – better than anything offered over Christmas at the MEN Arena.

Ms Slutsy McSlagg, a 16-year old mother of three from Wythenshawe’s Scallyfield Sink or Swim Housing Estate, who had just returned from the embattled North African tourist destination, told an interviewer from Channel 69’s ‘Teararse’ programme “It were proper exicitin’ an’ just wot that rug-munchin’ bitch at Yobette Tours promised – the ‘riot of a lifetime’ experience.”

Dragging a single Pound Empire designer suitcase along behind her while adjusting her Croydon face lift hair-do with blood-streaked hands, Slutsy paused outside the terminal to light one of her duty free biftas and posed for press photos, relating to a gob-smacked hack from the Warzone Gazette “Really, we had a fuckin’ great time – it woz effin’ brill’ man.”

“We went ter one of them paint ball gunfight thingies last year at Delamere Forest an’ it were a bag of borin’ crap really; but this shindig over the past coupla days woz the bee’s knees when all these crazy Muslim twats woz kickin’ the shit outa each other round our hotel an’ burnin’ cars - an’ me girlfriend’s bloke, Bazzer the Ned, goes an’ grabs a couple of AK47’s like wot’s bin dumped on the pavement an’ so we gets right inter the spirit of things an’ starts playin’ snipers from our balcony.”

“Fuck the beach an’ buckets an’ spades an’ effin’ sunbathin’ around the Gulf of Hammamet – next year we’re off ter Afghanistan an’ really get inter the thick of it again. Once I grab a taxi an’ go an’ collect me kids from the local kennels I’m gonna get me arse on e-Bay an’ stick a bid on me own personal flack jacket an’ Chobham body armour.”

While UK-based tour operators were quick to respond to the fragile situation and organised emergency flights back to Britain, the majority of younger gung-ho holidaymakers from the North-West of England refused to leave and miss out on what several termed ‘a right good aggie and camel jockey bashing session’.

One repatriated 19-year old student from Manchester’s Stench Hill estate, Genghis Twatt, who is currently studying for a BSc degree in Benefit Fraud, told press hacks “We weren’t gonna just climb on a plane an’ fuck off, were we – an’ miss the chance of a lifetime, wot wiv all the lootin’ opportunities an’ the hotel bar being empty and all the staff goin’ AWOL an’ doin’ a bunk – so we got on the piss fer nowt.”

“Then yer had guns lyin’ around every effin’ where from when the raghead Plod Squad said ‘Fuck this!’ an’ dropped their weapons an’ did a runner right sharpish like – same as their effin’ sticky-fingered President Ali Bongo Jaffacake – or whatever his fuckin’ name is – wot caused all the strife.”
“Managed ter pick up a couple of nice little mini Uzi’s an’ a M26 fragmentation grenade. Just wait til we chuck that through the front door of Troublespot Taverns on Scrote Street next Saturday night.”

Are you waiting for a flight out of Tunisia or one of the Non-Educated Delinquents still enjoying the looting and homicidal opportunities that chaos provides? Will you be booking another vacation with Warzone Holidays or Trauma Tours - or going to Butlins instead?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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