PC Gigolo Humps MP Cuckold’s Missus

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A police officer from the Met’s elite Plod-Guard ‘Rumpy Unit’, which is assigned to provide close-in protection for the UK’s House of Conmans politicians, has been suspended from duty following allegations he had an inappropriate relationship with the teenage wife of the nonagenarian Labour shadow minister Alan Cuckold

PC ‘Knobber’ McGigolo, a former greeter at Belmarsh Immigration Prison, acted as a personal protection officer for the 96-year old minister when he was in charge of the Home Office and is reputed to have been assigned as a bodyguard for Tory MP Theresa Maybe since she took over as the ‘blonde moment’ Home Secretary last year when New Labour and the hapless Cuckold were booted out of office.

Cuckold, the Labour MP for Red Bull & Hassel, and a man of pedestrian intelligence who spent most of his formative years stuck in traffic jams, apparently made a snap decision to quit his shadow cabinet job as Chancellor, citing ‘personal reasons’ and the fact his current state of health and pressures of the job didn’t allow him to devote the required attention to his 18-year old nymphomaniac wife’s carnal demands.

Mr Cuckold’s sudden resignation apparently came as a complete surprise to the Labour party leader Ed Millipede even though he has suffered repeated bouts of criticism for harbouring ambitions far beyond the scope of his abilities and his inept grasp of the Exchequer office’s more technical aspects – such as being able to count past ten and possess the ability to add, subtract, multiply and divide numbers in the six and seven digit category – without the aid of a team of chartered accountants or post-grad’ mathematics students.

An indignant Mrs Sluttsy Cuckold told media reporters “Well, what the fuck’s a promiscuous young slapper supposed ter do ter get laid? He were all-right when I first got together wiv him after we met on the Shag-Match social networkin’ website, even if his concept of ‘foreplay’ woz takin’ of his skiddies an’ puttin’ on a condom. Alan woz Postman Pat and I woz Miss Shagnasty

“Anyways, since old Cyclops Brown took over from Tony Bliar an’ Alan copped fer the Home Office job, me sex life started ter go tits up. Now, since everyone found out the Labour party woz made up of blokes who could fuck up a perfectly good anvil an’ they lost the last election the situation’s got worse an’ Alan kept puttin’ off going ter the doctor and getting’ a prescription fer Viagra, claimin’ it weren’t a physical thingy but just worry over bein’ promoted ter shadow chancellor and not bein’ very good wiv figures and failin’ his O-level exam in Maths.”

“No shit, I were effin’ sick an’ tired of getting’ meself off wiv a cucumber an’ wanted some real stiff cock fer a change – an’ then PC Knobber McGigolo turns up as Alan’s bodyguard. Yer know wot they say – never look a gift horse in the mouth – especially when it’s hung like an effin’ donkey.”

With regard to the Directorate of Professional Standards (DPS) investigation into misconduct with Mrs Cuckold and worshipping the goddess below her navel while on duty, and in his defence against adulterous accusations, PC McGigolo told one gutter press hack from the Philanderers Gazette “Minister Gigolo simply hadn’t been keeping his end up (sic) relative to nuptial obligations, so Sluttsy would sidle up and start admiring and fondling me truncheon while I was giving it the obligatory daily polish, saying things like “Oh my, that’s a big one you have there Knobber”, then she’d give me the wink and we’d head off down to their weekend cottage at Doggers Wood for a private physical therapy session. Believe me, she’s one hell of a good shag and can suck the chrome off a caravan towing hitch.”

Scandalous rumours that PC McGigolo was assigned to Home Secretary Theresa Maybe at her personal request as her ‘toy boy’ are being vehemently denied by Scotland Yard and Shitehall’s chief mandarin Sir Gus O’Donker.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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