Sunday, 9 January 2011

Scots 999 Calls Hit by Tea Breaks

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Genghis McTwatt, an ambulance driver based in Scotland’s crime and kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen, has been informed he can keep his job after reportedly choosing not to respond to an emergency 999 call to attend a woman who was suffering what proved to be a fatal heart attack - a mere 800 yards from the emergency services depot – due the over-riding fact he was “on me smoko” and taking his HSE-mandated morning tea break.

The Scottish Ambulance Service, labelled with the wholly inappropriate acronym of the ‘SAS’, informed one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that the medical emergency outside Scaberdeen’s Ferryhill Masonic Lodge was instead belatedly answered by an ambulance paramedic crew based 25 miles away, close to Donald Trumpton’s proposed Grampian Pederast Park golf course.

Hector McTadger, the Scottish Ambulance Service spokesman, informed hacks from the gutter press "Unfortunately the patient, a certain 69-year old Mrs Agnes Gronk, did not survive the cardiac arrest and our thoughts are with her family, and any other fucker who might have known her, at this difficult time."

“While the Health Professions Council is set to consider the ambulance technician's decision-making, it is part of the contractual working agreement that they have stop work for a brew and a smoke every three hours. Hence these people need to be a bit more considerate towards our emergency services staff and have their heart attacks inside the parameters of normal working hours.”

Mrs Beryl Titwank, who was with Mrs Gronk when she succumbed to her heart attack, told reporters “We’re both cleaners at the Ferryhill Masonic Lodge up on Catamite Street, and what an effin’ mornin’ we’d had of it after them Freemason twats had bin partyin’ there the night before. Shit-covered aprons an’ condoms left on the floor from sodomisin’ each other as they do – an’ blood all over the Black Sabbath altar where they’d sacrificed some bairn ter the Devil.”

“By the time we’d scrubbed an’ mopped an’ cleaned that lot up an’ walked outside ter go home, Agnes sez ter me “I’m totally fucked up Beryl, let’s go fer a pint an’ a wee dram at the boozer”, so we sets off down the effin’ hill and she just keels over.”
“Anyways I calls up 999 on me cellphone an’ some knobhead tells me ter call back in fifteen minutes cos the ambulance driver’s on his effin’ tea break – by which time old Aggie had popped her clogs an’ gone ter collect her harp an’ wings.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of ambulance drivers were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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