Friday, 28 January 2011

Scameron’s Fuel Rationing Scam

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Taking a break from pushing the faux ‘anthropogenic global warming’ crisis due the freezing winter weather burying the country under meters of snow, we now have our moronic opportunist government switching lanes to promote (and impose) their carbon credit cap n trade exchange scam via the tried and tested route of propaganda - renaming the threat that will herald the downfall of civilisation as we know it (sic) and the mass extinction of life on Earth as ‘climate change’.

Re-directing attentions away from cows and sheep farting - and causing massive holes in the ozone layer over the UK’s moors - the focus is back on carbon-belching internal combustion engine vehicles – with the ‘All Party Parliamentary Group on Peak Oil’ proposing that British households will be given a set number of free energy 'tokens' which can be used as an offset against any fuel burnt in a vehicle or in the home’s oil-fired central heating boiler.

Under this all-new group of dog-wanking wonks’ ‘Tradable Energy Quotas’ scheme, surplus energy units could be exchanged with the local rag and bone man for donkey stones or a goldfish and extra tokens later bought for hard cash to build up a family’s credits as ‘offset points’ to counter-balance all the pollution generated by their summer vacation flight to some semi-tropical terrorist or leper-infested Third World shithole – described in the latest Ripoff Tours holiday guide as ‘exotic’.

Philip Hamroll, the Tory MP for Runnynose and incumbent Secretary for Things with Wheels, yesterday admitted that soaring fuel prices are a real ‘problem’ and he truly ‘sympathised’ with hard pressed motorists who didn’t earn anywhere near the £140,000 quid annual salary (plus lavish travel expenses) of a coalition cabinet minister – failing to mention that ‘sympathy’ lies in the dictionary right between ‘shit’ and ‘syphillis’.

The All Party Parliamentary Group on Peak Oil’s spokeslut, Miss Minjeeter Cameltoe, informed one reporter from the Extortion Gazette that "Tradable Energy Quotas are the only way we can make our carbon credit exchange thingy work and at the same time guarantee everyone gets ripped off equally.”

Conversely, Bazzer McTwatt of Scally-Watch, the international government abuse sentinel charity, dismissed the entire scheme as yet another form of taxation. “These think tank academics might have more degrees than a thermometer but they’re totally out of touch with reality when they’re spoutin’ on about climate change cos mankind’s got sweet eff all to do with it. It’s that big yellow ball in the sky – the thing hidin’ behind the clouds.”

McTwatt told the Daily Shitraker “Same as all this codswallop about an oil and global energy shortage – the only shortages are the one the government’s manipulatin’ into bein’ with all their disingenuous peak oil crap - then raisin’ the fuel duty and hikin’ VAT up to 20%.”
'It sends alarm bells ringin’ cos of fears of exploitation – and as usual the scheme will be wide open for abuse by greedy individuals and politicians – and then the lower-income driver gets priced off the bleedin’ road.”
“These snotty-nosed Tory bastards are just out to tax the middle class into penury – and the lower class into extinction once the price hits £8 quid an effin’ gallon this summer.”

“The oil companies bear the costs of oil exploration, then the drillin’, pumpin’ and shippin’ logistics of the crude, then refinin’ the stinkin’ shite into gasoline and are still able to cut a fair profit by sellin’ it at the pumps for less than fifty pence per litre – but the Libservative Coalition’s greedy, graspin’ Excise man comes along and slaps eighty pence duty on top of that for doin’ sweet fuck all – so now we have a litre of petrol goin’ for £1:30 when a barrel of crude’s only worth £54 quid.”

Last night London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense went into his customary fuckwit mode and weighed into the row about excessive fuel duties, calling on Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron to protect motorists from soaring prices.

“Fuel price hikes have already caused 5% of road users to say “fuck it” and give up their cars altogether while 48% of drivers polled reckon they’re using their cars less or swapping them for mountain bikes or an off-road Segway – or one of those Chinese family-sized rickshaws.”
“If I were the government, and thank your lucky stars I’m not, I would think seriously about a fuel duty stabiliser because when it costs more to fill up the tank of your old 1995 Toyota Previa to drive from Chelsea to Smegmadale-on-Sea to give your mistress a quick poke at weekend than it does to fly to Rome to have tea with Pope Benny, then something is seriously fucked up.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: Anthropogenic global warming is a rip-off myth. Peak oil is a myth – the shit’s abiotic. Climate change is real – caused by subtle interactions between the Earth and Sun – with the solar effect influencing Ice Ages or warmer periods – and will continue to occur regardless of how many carbon credits you have stuffed up your jumper.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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