Wednesday, 26 January 2011

NHS to Adopt Kwik-Fit Model

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

One recent news article in the Daily Shitraker, speculating on rumours that the inmates had taken over the asylum at the Ministry of Ill-Health, was today confirmed as being ‘spot on’ following an announcement by Health Secretary Andrew Landfill, the Tory MP for South Shitcreek, that as part of a revolutionary shake-up at the NHS, cancer sufferers will be henceforth given their prescribed chemotherapy treatments at branches of Boots, the High Street chemists.

This fundamental shift in the UK’s health services will then enable Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative coalition to close down scores of MRSA-infested hospitals and clinics across the country in a futile bid to milk Britain’s fubar economy of the current £81 zillion quid budget shortfall.

The extraordinary proposal comes just days after the idiotic Secretary Landfill caused a storm by announcing radical reforms which will lead to 24,000 NHS management staff being made redundant and joining the ranks of the nation’s marginalised and seething unemployed anarchy movement.

The key, and most controversial, part of the absurd plan is to allow – and here we quote – “any willing provider” to treat patients “provided that they deliver high-quality standards of care”.

Now Boots, who traditionally provided singular pharmacy services, have already expanded their repertoire to include opticians, dentistry, penis enlargement, vasectomies and split-arse perineal repairs, and are now in talks to take over more of the traditional functions of hospitals – such as branching out into the transplant organ donor market and mortuary purveyances which will include cryogenic hibernation, post mortem autopsies - and funeral services for patients whose treatment unfortunately happens to fall below the required level of clinical excellence.

So while Boots struck like a mamba in their attempt to corner the market in out-sourced traditional hospital treatments, several others were hot to trot and after a slice of the monopoly too – including the Greedy Grocer supermarket chain leader Pestco and, unsurprisingly, Kwik-Shit – who based their bid proposal on the fact they already work on the disingenuous philosophy that “we deliver high-quality standards of care” - for customer’s cars.

Kwik-Shit’s CEO Candida Mingerot told one journalist from the Lancet that they intended to challenge and undercut any tender bid submitted by Boots or Pestco, and had the resources in place to implement a complete appropriation of the NHS’s ‘phlebotomy’ service – the taking and analysing of blood samples and other noxious bodily fluids – using their existing computerised engine diagnostics and carbon emissions equipment - which would require only elementary software modifications - plus a good pressure washing.

Ms Mingerot added “We will become a first choice for hip replacement surgery too, due our expertise with vehicle steering ball joints and suspension bushings – there’s absolutely no difference – apart from having to use scalpels to get at the broken bits instead of spanners and – er - having to anaesthetise the patients as well.”

What would you tell your GP if he referred you to Kwik-Shit for hip joint replacement surgery – “Gee thanks” – or “Fuck you, Jimmy”? Do you think Boots will start offering tyre and muffler repair services? Would you take your motor to an NHS clinic for its MOT inspection?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free course of dialysis at your local Greedy Grocer supermarket.

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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