Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Huhne Wins Award for Gross Hypocrisy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chris Huhne, the Lib-Dum MP for Wankford in Scamshire, and the incumbent Energy Secretary in the Libservative Coalition’s farcical pantomime of a ‘government’, has been rightly accused of gross hypocrisy after jetting off to sunny California with his new slut of a girlfriend just days after returning from a climate change summit in Mexico - while the rest of the inhabitants of our once sceptred isle froze their bollocks off in the coldest winter since the Chinese ‘Year of the Brass Monkey’.

Huhne, the type of moron who still thinks wood grows on trees, and last year announced he intended to hammer motorists and air travellers with an extra £15 zillion in levies and taxes to fund the global carbon reduction campaign, spent Christmas in Los Angeles and San Francisco with his current adulterous shag, a muff-munching Amazon named Carina Quimingham, reputedly a media consultant from Middlesex.
Minister ‘Carbon Watchit’ Huhne is the latest member of the dodgy coalition’s overpaid cabinet members to have enjoyed a lavish festive break while parroting the new party propaganda ‘belt-tightening’ line of “We’re all in this together”.

The UK’s Sunday Shitraker only last week disclosed that Chancellor George Oddborne, who coined the above phrase when calling for massive cuts to lift the country out of the bankster-induced economic quagmire, spent the Christmas period in the exclusive Swiss ski resort, Kluntsters, while Tory zillionaire Zac Goldscatt rented an £8,000-a-day Caribbean villa – that came complete with en suite Thai ladyboy chambermaids.

Other MPs saw in the New Year sculling back jeroboams of Chateau de Rothshite vintage champagne and Slime Island oysters at an exclusive fireworks party at the House of Conmans - while a typical family of unemployed and homeless British oicks squatted on coastal landfill sites, surrounded by forests of inoperable wind turbines, huddled around oil drums of smouldering cardboard to cook their Xmas turkey twizzlers, keep warm and attempt to thaw out their cat.

Last year, Huhne told one reporter from the Robber Barons Gazette that he wanted to hammer motorists and air travellers with an extra £15 zillion quid in carbon tax duties and levies; then in December he attended the United Nations ‘Blabberwocky’ climate change conference in Cuntcun, Mexico - which resolved to make deep cuts in carbon emissions by taxing the shit out of every fucker and their dog.

However, within a fortnight of returning from the 10,000-mile round-trip on December 12, the 69-year-old Huhne and Ms Quimingham were making a 5,500-mile journey to Los Angeles and San Franscisco – and blotting the Atlantic skies with toxic contrails.
Anti-taxation campaigners criticised Huhne for living the high-life while planning tax hikes aimed to penalise the peasant classes means of mobility and deny them affordable venues of foreign travel.

Last night Bev Titwank, the Taxpayers’ Alliance spokeswoman, told the BBC’s ‘Anarchy Now’ programme: “While these scumbag politicians – like Huhne - are leading the jet-set lifestyle, they’re telling the voting public to watch their carbon footprint. The hikes in VAT, fuel duty and flight taxes are hitting unemployed families so hard that coupled with their welfare benefit cuts, they may have to scrap their planned tropical holidays.”

To add ‘insult to injury’ in the ‘gross hypocrisy’ and ‘political manipulation of public opinion' departments, and reset Huhne’s rating on the International Scumometer scale to a massive 10+, in the spring of 2010 and the run-up to the General Election, Huhne issued and distributed an election pamphlet extolling his virtues as a family man.
The flyer included photographs of him with his wife and children, accompanied by handwritten captions including "Married 26 years and she still gets me hard!" and "Family matters to me so much - where would we be without them?”

Opposition politicians and gutter press hacks with the national red top tabloids were quick to expose the fact that Huhne had disingenuously used the photographs and captions to project the image of a happily-married man and stalwart puritan pillar of the community to his constituency voters while he was engaged in an extra-marital affair - of two years ‘adulterous’ standing - with a loose morals slag half the age of his wife – and with whom he was enjoying regular sweaty sexual trysts and ‘playing the beast with two backs’ in his constituency home.

Bazzer McScrunt, director of Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, opined to the media at the time “Huhne peddled a false prospectus to the electorate and is no better than a ‘lying twat’ the way he thinks he can diss the public and get away with it. He even published his wedding snaps from 26 years before and boasted 'Family matters to me so much' - even though he was up to his neck in an affair with a strapon-wielding butch lezbo, 20 years his junior."

Ms Carina Quimingham, a bisexual, spiky-haired media consultant and self-outed hair gel addict, who broke up with her female civil partner, Sapphie Dildodo, in 2009, was revealed to be the Minister’s mistress last June.

Huhne, described by friends and political associates alike as a ‘bit of an all-round cunt’, began his involvement with Ms Quimingham in 2007 following the resignation of the Librarian-Dummercrats leader and MP for South Beijing, Ming Campbell, when she acted as his media spin doctor while he manoeuvered himself for a failed bid at the party leadership.

The gospel according to the House of Conmans’ malicious gossip grapevine claims that the hedgehog-coiffured and ultra-butch Quimingham – who while kitted out in a singlet resembles a hybrid cross between Russian shot-putter Tamara Press and Arnold 'The Terminator' Squashanigger, equipped with the frontal dentistry of a piranha - was the author of the libellous ‘Calamity Clogg’ document that excoriated party leadership contender Mick Clogg on a legion of policy and political issues and labelled him an all-out dog wanker.

However, Huhne has been at odds to suppress both media and Parliamentary speculations concerning Ms Quimingham’s bisexuality and its bearing on their relationship, with Huhne making a point of informing a group of gutter press hacks in Fleet Street's Ponce & Poofter Arms that “In no way am I Carina’s strapon dildo butt-fuck bitch – nor do I take it up the back passage alike legions of my shirt-lifting Parliamentary colleagues – well, not since leaving public school anyway.”

Hence, as the ridiculous Huhne’s gross hypocrisy abuses mount up to qualify him for a place in the Guinness Book of World Records, further dug-up embarrassments include his Parliamentary expenses that were exposed to the public eye, along with the legions of other dodgy claims.

While Huhne might not be targeted by the CPS for prosecution and imprisonment alike David Chaylor MP, his most exorbitant claim was for a £5,066 bill to have his garden fence painted – and the most asinine and penny-pinching, a bill for 79 pence for a pack of chocolate-coated Hob-Slobs cookies – he did claim £119 quid for a mahogany Corby trouser press from Poundland so he’d ‘look smart for work’ but armed with 20/20 hindsight decided to repay the cost in order ‘to avoid controversy’.

Conversely, outbursts of raucous laughter erupted from the Parliamentary opposition benches when one wit revealed that Huhne had also claimed what the Parliamentary Commission termed as ‘a very dodgy domestic expense’ - incurred for ‘having a man round to give his old boiler a good seeing to’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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