Teachers to be Psycho-Vetted for ‘Suitability’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a global first for England, Posh Dave Scameron’s dysfunctional Libservative coalition government are to launch a Kafkaesque system of surreal personality tests to weed out ‘unsuitable’ teaching applicants – such as the ‘Harvey – the Mansfield Science Class Bludgeoner’ or Scouse slut Hina Jaffacake who took ‘Sex Education’ tuition classes to a new ‘personal’ level of intensity at her Birkdale Asbo Central High in Southport by fucking the brains out of several of her 15-year old male pupils.

Whether we like it or not, England is set to become the only place in the known Universe (apart from the Planet Fuckwit in the Moron star system) where all teaching hopefuls will face psychometric tests designed to reveal whether they have the right personality for a career in the classroom.

From 2012, all teacher training applicants will face the psychological assessments that are set to examine whether they have the necessary blend of brain-dead empathy, resilience and the requisite communication skills that makes them suitable for a life of verbal abuse and being flipped the bird and spit at in front of a chalkboard.

While such psychometric tests inspire thoughts of impassive Orwellian interrogation, what the government doesn’t want are any more Bolshie non-conformists types who have a bad habit of thinking for themselves, that might be inclined to radicalise their students over the nation’s ingrained social inequalities and government abuses – and turn them into budding revolutionaries set on a path of violent political change.

The Minister for Education, Michael Glovepuppet, informed one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that “We’re seeking to attract pacifist teaching staff that tow the government line and don’t deviate one iota - nor go round purposefully stirring up anarchist sentiments over the lot of the country’s unemployed and homeless losers. People have simply got to realise that Britain’s no longer being run for the benefit of a population of jobless Labour-voting oicks who are at best kitted out with what passes for a piss-poor secondary school education.”

“All this past individual Commie thought, promoting anarchy and nihilism, must be stamped out and eradicated – along with these total misconceptions concerning ‘free speech’ - and definitely ‘freedom of thought’. Believe me, Democracy simply no longer works in our New World Order's crony Capitalist society, so we’re going to follow the tried and tested Totalitarian model that the EUSSR in Brussels are pushing down our throats anyway.”

Following a top secret successful pilot undertaken this summer at Sludge Hill University and London University’s Institute of Propaganda, the ‘psychometric’ diagnostic tool will be rolled out nationwide from 2012 and become the latest weapon used by university snitches to spot students who don’t measure up to the government’s standards to qualify as role model school teachers.

Ms Beverly Titwank, the director of Ox-Rat, the UK’s personal freedom and liberty watchdog, opined to the Scandalmongers Gazette that “It’s all a pile of bollocks - psychometric evaluations, my arse. This might well be defined as a branch of clinical psychology that deals with the design, administration, and interpretation of quantitative tests for the measurement of psychological variables - such as intelligence, aptitude, and personality traits. However, what this bunch of bastards in government want is to use it to target and filter out the radicals and budding anarchists – any fucker and their dog who can – and do – think for themselves.”

“Thanks to whistleblowers inside the Ministry of Education we’ve got copies of their little pilot scheme and the type of questions their dry run of grad’ student teacher hopefuls from Sludge Hill were asked. Have you ever read Marx or Engles? Do you admire men like Guy Fawkes? Did you join protests against the university tuition fees hike? Did you put the boot in the side of Prince Chazzer’s Roller when he and Gorgonzilla got ‘kettled’ on Regent Street? Did you poke the Duchess of Cornhole with a sharp stick?”

“What Cabbage Patch Dave Scameron’s gang are after to man the schools for the next generation are a bunch of eco-fascists with a Common Purpose neuro-linguistic programming course diploma under their belt that believe – or at least don’t question – the official government lines – like accepting that global warming is real; David Kelly committed suicide; a Paki Muslim terrorist cell blew up three London tube trains and a double decker bus on 7/7/2005; the Israelis are God’s Chosen People and fighting for their very survival in Palestine; - and that the US President Barky O’Barmy was born in Hawaii.”

(Readers are warned that ‘Common Purpose’ is a sinister social engineering and NLP brainwashing outfit with a Big Brother agenda that poses as a charity, and should not to be confused with ‘Common Porpoise’, an actual government-sponsored charity tasked with the care of distressed dolphins and similar pelagic mammals that have been poisoned by BP’s toxic oil spills and Coreshite 9500 dispersant.)

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.