Sticky Fingers MP Gets Jail

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what might well constitute as solid proof that there is some modicum of justice in this crooked world after all, David Cheator, the disgraced ex-Labour MP for Bury’s ‘Dun Thievin’ constituency, has become the first UK politician to be convicted and sentenced over the House of Conmans expenses scandal.
Cheator is today behind bars at HM Wandsworth Prison beginning an 18-month custodial sentence amidst a legion of raving nancy boys, cormorant stranglers and sodomite thugs, after finally owning up and admitting to stealing thousands of quid from the public purse via false Parliamentary expense claims.

On 5th February 2010, the Crown Prosecution Service announced that Cheator would be charged with offences under Section 17 of the Thieving Gits Act (1968) relating to ‘creative accounting’ and false claims for Parliamentary expenses – with he and several other light fingered MPs appearing before Southwark Crown Court for a preliminary hearing last May.

Following a pathetic and failed snide attempt to claim Parliamentary privilege in the Court of Appeal, on 3rd December 2010, where he pleaded ‘not guilty’ on the arrogant strength of the erroneous belief his crimes and misdemeanours would be heard in-camera by a board of his crooked House of Conmans peers, Cheator’s barrister, Sir Irwin Bogbrush QC, argued unsuccessfully that as an MP his client’s ancient Parliamentary rights should see the House of Conmans hear his case – then when shot down in flames by the presiding judge - further pontificated that he could not receive a fair trial in the courts because of damaging press coverage describing him as an all-out shyster and career scumbag.

However, Cheator quickly changed his plea to one of “Whoops, sorry – guilty as charged, M’Lud” when he found out the case was to be tried in a court of actual law and not overseen and reviewed by a bunch of his Masonic buddies.

Due his guilty plea to three charges of false accounting (read ‘embezzlement’ by forging tenancy documents and invoices) involving just over £20,000 quid, he was released on bail until the sentencing hearing on the 7th January 2011 at Southwark Crown Court, where the presiding judge, Mr Genghis McTwatt, penalising Cheator with 18 months imprisonment, further informed him that the only reason he was getting away ‘lightly’’ was due the fact he’d been smart enough to change his plea to guilty and not waste the court’s time.

Judge McTwatt’s statement might now prompt cause to have two other false expense claims offenders (disgraced Labour party politicians, Elliot Morley, the ex-MP for Scrotethorpe and Jim Devine, the ex-MP for Livingroom) very ‘worried’ (with a large capital W for worried) concerning the length of jail time they might be sentenced to - as they both, to date, continue to proclaim their innocence.

Paul White, aka Baron Scamfield, the disgraced Tory shadow spokesperson for Communities, Local Government and Transport, and the ex-leader of Essex County Council, was also charged under Section 17 of the Thieving Gits Act relating to false accounting for claims for overnight accommodation at his Chelsea-based Dominatrix’s dungeon, and will face trial for his felonious sins in the coming months.

And that, out of the scores of petty larcenist shyster MP’s who were exposed and scandalised for submitting, and pocketing, false expenses, is that – a mere token few.

A great pity the Crown Prosecution Service doesn’t target the rest of the fiddling scumbags and charge the felonious likes of the arrogant Baroness Marzipan Polo Udders, who, while living in a Housing Association semi-detached slum in the London Borough of Skidrow Hamlets, not only had her shifty git of a husband Gopher claim housing benefit for such but also claimed zillions of quid in expenses for a flat at Pisstone in Kent - which she disingenuously stated was her main residence while she was actually squatting in the House of Lords ladies toilets during the week - then flying off to spend weekends at her gold-plated mansion at Jalfrezi Bazaar in Bangladesh’s Shitkicker Province.

On the 18th October 2010, the House of Lords Privileges and Conduct Committee ruled that Baroness Udders had acted in bad faith (a euphemism for ‘stole’) and decreed that she should repay the criminally-embezzled amount of £125,349 quid – as well as being suspended from Parliamentary activities for all eternity – if not longer.

So too with Sir Peter Sniggers, the disgraced Tory MP for Scroteborough, who tried to put the £1645 cost of a floating duck island on Parliamentary expenses, and later admitted that he’d made a right cunt of himself – and his ducks - stating he felt ashamed and humiliated after breaking the 11th Commandment and being caught red handed and exposed as a penny-pinching twat - then fired from his job alike some leprous pariah with bad breath.

Another scoundrel who seems to have avoided prosecution is Douglas ‘Porkfat’ Hogg, aka Viscount Hailstone, the former Tory MP for Sleazeforth, who claimed Parliamentary expenses to the tune of £2,000-odd nicker for the dredging of his Lincolnshire mansion’s moat to a depth that would deter aggie constituents with an axe to grind – or bury in his head – from wading across to scale the battlements or breach the drawbridge and portcullis.

Among Hogg’s claimed expenditure was £18,000 paid to his gardener, a separate bill of almost £1,000 to have the lawn mowed properly by Vidal Sassoon, and a £671.17 bill for a mole catcher. He also claimed £4,488.48 for vibrator and butt plug alkaline batteries - including a new de-luxe ‘Fleshlight’ personal masturbation device – the purchase of which Hogg justified due suffering ‘repetitive strain injuries' to his right wrist.
Also itemised were £40 for piano tuning, £646.25 for “repairs to the stables and a blacksmith’s bill of £128:67 for ‘horse-shoeing’ etc.

Allergy warning: This article was written in the scally-infested House of Conmans and may contain toxic traces of porky pies and legal aids claims of £250 quid per day.

Thought for the day: Judge McTwatt is said to be considering David Cheator’s sentencing petition that he be allowed to ‘check into’ the nice cosy cell at Norfolk’s HM Scumbag Prison, currently vacant and reserved for Parliamentary shits – and previously occupied by Tory slimeballs and career perjurers Jeffrey Archer and Jonathan Aitken.

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