Thursday, 6 January 2011

Council Flips over Missing Moggy Posters

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mrs Candida Pustule, a 96-year old grandmother of twelve, was issued with a 48 hour ''Remove or Pay Up'' ultimatum by Smegmadale Borough Council which accused the hapless pensioner of ''fly-posting'' when she stuck up a bundle of notices on lamp posts, trees and bus shelters around her Asbo Central Housing Estate, appealing for information about her missing tomcat Nookie.

This threat of prosecution and the possibility of incurring legal costs plus a hefty fine forced Mrs Pustule to drive around the snow-covered streets in the early hours of a freezing Christmas morning on her mobility scooter, ripping down the ‘Lost Pussy’ posters one by one to avoid the implied £1,000 quid penalty.

After returning from her part-time job at ‘Orloffs’, a local lap dacing bar, at mid-night on Christmas Eve, Candida raced around the Asbo Central estate taking the posters down before the council's deadline and eventually arrived back home at 3:00am – just minutes too late to leave a mince pie and a glass of sherry out for Santa.

Councillor Arthur Jobsworth and the Council Environment Protection Officer, Beryl McStupid, accosted by a gaggle of incensed press hacks this morning, who publicly accused the moronic pair of ‘seasonal Scroogeism’ and lacking in compassion, defended their actions by claiming the posters could have damaged the town’s lamp posts and traffic sign poles.

Ms McStupid related that ''Our Environmental Enforcement Stasi officers discovered more than 20 of Mrs Pustule’s ‘Lost Pussy’ posters – and some were stuck ter the trees along Skank Street wiv that vile Bluetack stuff wot causes gallopin’ root rot an’ global warmin’.”

Out of desperation Mrs Pustule had her six-year old grandson Dwayne design and print 25 posters on his home pc in a final appeal to neighbours after the nineteen-year-old Tabby cat Nookie disappeared last November when her weekly £5 quid ‘Cat Allowance’ was slashed under Chancellor Georgie Oddborurne’s draconic budget cuts and she could no longer afford to feed it.

“Perhaps Nookie’s pissed off an’ found somewehere he can get a couple of square meals a day. But it’s just the attitude of these scumbags at the local council. Bastards, no effin’ empathy whatsoever – fer me or the moggie."
"There I am, sat watchin’ Sex an’ the City on the telly an’ getting’ all hot an’ horny, like – an’ these two twats from that Renta-Thug Security Agency wot the council use ter hire bailiffs, comes bangin’ on the front door an’ delivers this effin’ ultimatum that I’ve got ter rip all me posters down before mornin’ – or else – an’ here’s me due ter be dancin’ at Orloffs that night as well an’ get a few fivers stuck down the front of me thong.”

Is your local borough council staffed by compassionless morons? Are your local authority officials totally out of touch with reality and the pulse of the people? Have you ever stuck up a ‘Missing Pussy’ poster? Have you seen any sign of a hungry Nookie?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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