Cabbage Patch Dave Goes for ‘Mind Control’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The totalitarian and dystopian antics of the Libservative cabinet office's top secret ‘Behavioural Insight Team’ – a questionable cabal cobbled together by PM Posh Dave Scameron, with a dodgy selection of psycho’ beardies and anoraks from Chatham House and the Tavistock Institute coupled to a gaggle of Common Purpose’s neo-Nazi NLP-mind control freaks, plus a few of Whitehall’s resident botty-spanking BD/SM Dominatrixes thrown in for good measure – have been exposed in a Daily Shitraker report.

While the old time religion frighteners consisted of ‘Conquest, War, Pestilence and Death, the Libservative’s Behavioural Insight Team have modified the slogan to suit contemporary society – with ‘Shame, Vanity, Laziness and Desire’ (the desire to fit in and keep up with the fucking Jones’s down the road – and bollocks to the credit card bill) – these are all to be used as neuro-linguistic programming tools of Government policy by ministers acting on the advice of this new Kafkaesque psychology unit in Shitehall.

The first glimpse into the highly confidential work of the cabinet office's Behavioural Insight Team came on Tuesday when one ‘Deep Throat’ whistle-blowing Tory mole, working for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers government abuse watchdog charity, revealed that Libservative ministers have adopted the BIT’s moronic suggestion that to add to their already crippling trials and tribulations, members of the cash-strapped unemployed and homeless public should be encouraged to make small – or large - charitable donations when using ATM cashpoints or their credit cards – preferably to the Tory Party coffers – following the credo of the ubiquitous Greedy Grocer supermarket chain, Pestco, that ‘Every little helps’.

Dr Jarvis Higgs-Boson, a former member of the RAND Corporation social engineering cabal , and a consultant to the BIT group, affectionately known to friends and colleagues alike as ‘The Emissary from Planet Fuckwit’ (and a man with so inflated an ego it’s measured at the top end of the Beaufort scale – totally disqualifying him for a slot in the index of Linnaean taxonomy) told one press hack that “Our aim is to get the public riff-raff and all the other useless oicks off their lazy arses and volunteering for unpaid community service work, grassing up their neighbours for anti-government sentiments – plus condition them to vote Tory every time an election comes around.”

Higgs-Boson is the proponent for making government ministers ‘choice architects’, and the man who dreamed up the concept of ‘Nudge Nudge Theory’, which is the foundation stone of the BIT group’s guiding philosophy and the actual mechanism that ‘might’ make it work – or not, all being dependent on traditional British public stubbornness.

In addition to Higgs-Boson’s agenda and aims is limiting regulation and cost via the route of behavioural economics, according to the BIT unit's joint directors, Dr Genghis McTwatt, a former welfare officer and clinical psychologist at Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib Prison, and Col Hakim ben Ratsach, until recently the senior interrogator at Israel’s ‘Facility 1391’ extraordinary rendition and re-education centre for naughty Palestinians.

Dr McTwatt has experience of seeking unconventional solutions to policy problems in his role as chief analyst at Tony Bliar's Strategy Unit, which researched viable methods to increase public happiness in the UK that resulted in a survey revealing 95% of the British electorate would be a lot happier if Bliar resigned and admitted responsibility for spicing up dodgy dossiers and being an all-round dog wanker.

McTwatt and ben Ratsach are the joint innovators of "MINDSPACE," an idiotic acronym that stands for Messenger (the communicator of information affects its impact); Incentives (carrot versus stick approach); Norms (what others do influences individuals); Defaults (pre-set options tend to be accepted); Salience (revelance and novelty attract attention); Priming (sub-conscious cues); Affect (the power of emotional associations); Commitments (bending public promises); and Ego (the stroking of which promotes moronic and submissive obedience).

Seeking to explain the varying naunces, Dr McTwatt informed the media "With Messenger for example, it matters who delivers the actual ’message’. If your subject matter is about ‘Compliance’, you’re much better off having a big ugly thug in body armour, waving a pick axe handle in their face than some effeminate Whitehall poofter in a penguin suit if you want any of the pigshit-thick public to get the hint and follow sound government advice over something as casual as fluoridated drinking water being good for their teeth."

However, these initiatives are all sordid examples of the application of Big Brother mind control techniques to influence mass opinion, and while seemingly paradoxical to the Libservative Coalition's purported goal of a smaller state, are likely to become a common feature of Government policy to foster individual support for Cabbage Patch Dave’s ‘Big Society’ – with the public having "social norms" drummed into their heads 24/7 through every avenue of media available.

These will include TV, radio, videos, cinema, newspapers and magazines, internet, cold calls from some twat called Achmed in New Delhi - plus High Street advertising – and all focusing emphasis on the ‘virtues’ of voluntary work, paying income taxes on schedule (if not before), donating any internal organs they don’t need to the NHS, reporting anti-social behaviour to the local Community Enforcement Stasi, and generally turning into a craven stoolie that thrives on snitching and schadenfreude (rejoicing in another’s misfortune).

The coalition’s dynamic duo, Scameron and Clogg, established the numpty BIT unit last July, since when the Government has declined to divulge all its members and the full extent of its Orwellian mind control work. However, the Scandalmongers Gazette has learnt its guiding principles and some of the projects that have used its favoured NLP ‘Nudge Nudge’ techniques.

Scameron embraced ‘Nudge Theory’ in the run-up to May’s election in a speech about Broken Britain and the intended Big Society – with his version being an adaptation and blend of both Chaos Theory and String Theory – wherein as the Labour government had taken 13 years to cause the current state of economic Chaos, then the Tories would assume power and simply ‘String’ the public along.

One preliminary BIT experiment involved Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs (HMRC) secretly changing the wording of tens of thousands of tax letters from “Pretty Please Pay” to an assertive and aggressive ‘Nudge-Nudge’ - “Pay Immediately or We’ll Kill Your Wife & Kids” - leading to the collection of an extra £200 zillion quid in income tax.

Other ideas tried elsewhere that have been studied by the unit include reducing recidivism by changing public perception of ex-convicts – promoting instead of tar and feathering as pariahs, the idea of ‘Fellowship’ for semi-refomed scallies and scrotes – and the Christian ethos concepts of turning the other cheek – and of magnanimity and forgiveness – even if they were members of a joy-riding paedo’ blag gang of raving zoophiliacs that nicked your motor, mugged your granny for her pension, shagged your 11-year old sister, and buggered your Labrador.

On Friday, Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Tory MP for Borkum-Riff and incumbent ‘Minister for Things with Wheels’ fell victim to the insane BIT unit's advice when he proposed the asininity that learner drivers be opted in to an transplant organ scheme when they apply for a licence – and are mandated to donate one kidney after passing their test and to qualify for a licence upgrade.

The Health Secretary, Andrew Moronstein favours the ‘nudge-nudge’ approach rather than legislation and is in the dubious ‘conflict of interest’ process of recruiting food and drink multinationals (who profit from unhealthy behaviour and fill our processed foods and drinks with toxic shite such as MSG, aspartame and fluoride) to devise appropriate strategies.

Another of Moronstein’s bright ideas is "patient hotels", a barmy Continental innovation where relatives can sleep alongside patients thereby cutting costs as they can cook meals, change beddings and dressings, empty bedpans – and eventually perform their own simple surgical proceedures – such as ingrowing foreskins and toenails - and tonsilectomys.

Moronstein also wants public health campaigns on STDs modified, to replace factual warnings with ubiquitous ‘nudge-nudge’ questions designed to emphasise social norms. Hence, instead of advising people of the likelihood of sexual partners having an STD, posters would ask: "What would your girlfriend think if you say you want to use a condom for bum sex?" – (probably that you think she’s a poxed-up slag)

Chlamydia Titwank, the ultra-left wing director of the UK’s Ox-Rat offices, voiced these opinions about the Libservative’s MINDSPACE and NUDGE THEORY projects to gutter press hacks over a few pints of Old Headbanger lager in Whitehall’s Ponce & Poofter Arms pub.

“It’s all an effin’ circus without a tent – a Chinese fire drill - and enough to make a Cheshire cat laugh. Alas, any authority, given free rein, will resort to absolutism, and that’s precisely what we’re seeing manifest here – just like the US and their dystopian Patriot Act and Homeland Security and the pervert TSA gropers at the airports.”

“Same as all this bullshit about reducing NHS provisions. We don’t have an National Health Service but a National Sickness Service – more at treat the symptom than cure the cause or disease. But if we had that then Big Pharma wouldn’t have a market for their exorbitantly-priced money-spinning toxic poisons if the population’s all hale and hearty. It’s not Health Care but Sick Care.”

“Labour started this bullshit with the 9/11 and 7/7 false flag terrorist attacks. Now we’re infested with Plods, PCSO’s, CEO’s and airport security thugs manning their Insta-Tumour full body scanners and unzipping your DNA. All these people are closet psycho’s and professional intimidators - who piss people off for a living.”

“Scameron and Clogg are just a revised version of Labour – a Technocracy - and the type of shits that will do anything to get into power – like form a coalition government – and be willing to do anything to keep in power – even as prostitutes for crony Capitalism and the Zionist New World Order.”

“They’re out to force us to accept commercial market tyranny, with the wholesale disruption of British society topping their nasty little agenda. Working from Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle that we don’t know shit from shinola, they’re out for the creation and maintenance of a dysfunctional society via the proven Common Purpose social engineering toll of Neuro-Linguistic Programming – and the concept of perception management – which reads as ‘lies and propaganda’.”

“The four major collective forces that form a society are Race, Religion, Family and Nation. They’re the four pillars of our human identity that this poxy government and the EUSSR in Brussels are out to destroy – along with individual will in a frantic pre-December 2012 bid to create and manifest the Hive Mind – and have the effin’ lot of us micro-chipped – or euthenised – or in concentration camps for domestic terrorism.”

“While Huxley’s ‘Brave New World’ and Orwell’s ‘1984’ both provide stellar insights to what a Dystopian state might manifest as, the books in themselves were never meant to be used as a ‘Totalitarianism for Dummies’ instruction manual to create a panopticon close-circuit society – a Big Brother state run on intrusive surveillance. Cabbage Patch Dave and his Libservative stooges have taken the maxim ‘Ordo ab Chao’ (Order out of Chaos) and reversed it – now it’s ‘Order into Chaos’.”

“To conclude, monthly polls by Ipsos-Mori show that the UK is a miserable place, with Britons are less happy than others in Europe, particularly in Scandinavia. They’re also less trusting of fellow citizens – and with good reason when the actual Prime Minister (Tony Bliar) lied to us through his teeth, senior government weapons inspectors get murdered while having a stroll around their local Grassy Knoll Woods, and Downing Street pulls all the stops to avoid an actual Coroner’s Inquest into the death.”

“Then they’ve got the blatant audacity to task MI5 and Co to pull a false flag terrorist operation and blow up three tube trains and a double decker bus to convince us that the heathen hordes of Islam hate our democratic freedoms and are breathing down our necks – murdering scores of British citizens to justify the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq – and convince the shit-for-brains public they need a CCCTV camera in every room in their house – and one outside to cop moggie-haters in the act of wheelie-binning the cat. And that is the actual core philosophy and strategy of MINDSPACE and NUDGE THEORY.”

Have you been subjected to behavioural modifications? Do you have the social interaction skills of a worker bee – or a black mamba? Would you make a voluntary donation to some cadging charity like ‘Leper Relief’ every time you use an ATM machine?

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: Imagine the implications for freedom if humanity used its numerical potential to say NO to the system and ceased to cooperate with its own enslavement.

Oh, and by the by, fuck Posh Dave Scameron’s ‘Behavioural Insight Team’ and Big Brother – and his sister – and the Zionist Freemason’s New World Order.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.