Friday, 21 January 2011

Frying Pan Calls Kettle ‘Black Arse’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a most juvenile exchange of back-stabbing and cat-calling, the Librarian-Dummercrats leader Mick Clogg and New Labour child prodigy Fuhrer Ed Millipede, publicly exercised in the House of Conmans their democratic right to talk and act like fools – with the pair of posturing clots referring to one another as ‘a useless twat’ – and both being perfectly correct in their statements.

Clogg, wholly missing out on the total hypocrisy of his statement when accusing Millipede (aka the Infant Emissary from the Planet Fuckwit) of “weak political leadership” after himself stating for the public record in his pre-election manifesto that his Lib-Dum party would oppose any and all hikes in education tuition fees. Then, with the Janus duplicity so typical of all politicians, did entirely the opposite - kissed Posh Dave Scameron’s arse and went along with the mega-buck tripling of student tuition fees that caused mass protests and which culminated with Prince Chazzer’s Roller getting the shit kicked out of it along Regent Street during the ensuing riots.

This adolescent instance of name-calling across the benches quickly erupted into a bout of pushing, shoving and spitting which turned into a nasty display of bitch-slapping, and ended up with the idiotic pair rolling around the House of Conmans floor -screaming like two pissed-up yobette slappers out on a Saturday night binge drinking session - pulling each other’s hair, scratching and biting – until Deputy-Speaker Dawn Primarollup waded in, wielding Black Rod’s cudgel and calling them “A right pair of scrotes – as if I haven’t got enough of a disturbance already today with musical fucking neckties!”

The ‘tiff’ kicked off good and proper during question time when Mick Clogg claimed that Labour's "dinosaur peers" in the Upper House were trying to block the planned referendum on whether to change the House of Conmans voting system from the current ‘first-past-the-post’ to an alternative system when deciding on the culinary fare for the following week’s canteen menu.

However Ed Millipede, backed up by Labour’s shadow minister for garden sheds, Chris Bogbrush, was quick to contradict Clogg, stating the public was fed up with him after breaking so many promises made in the Lib-Dum’s pre-election manifesto – saying one thing only to do entirely the opposite.

Millipede then came out with the accusation that caused the fracas to descend to a fisticuffs level “You were okay with the canteen menu the way it was and happy to have egg and chips or Cottagers Pie for lunch every day – until you fell in with Scameron and his Tories. Now you want the menu altering to have all this posh stuff on – Pheasant pate, Scum Island oysters, Lobster Thermidore and Lark’s testicles from breakfast.”

Clogg then reduced Millipede to tears by calling him a “big girl’s blouse” and claiming he’d done a “Cain and Abel” and stabbed his elder brother David in the back to grab the party leadership – finally issuing the fatal rejoinder of “Well I fancy a bit of decent tucker now I can afford it on a cabinet minister’s pay – and at least I’m not a cheap twat like you – bringing Spam butties in one of Poundland’s fake Tupperware boxes, then claiming twenty quid for lunch on expenses.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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