Monday, 3 January 2011

Con’s Refuse Breath Tests & Torch Nick

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The official government position, expressed by Crispin Scrunt, the Libservative Coalition’s 'Minister for Locking Things Up', states “There must be no repeat of the violence which broke out at HMP Twatts open prison at Yobford in West Smegmashire over the New Year holiday, and those involved who burned the prison to the ground must be brought to justice.”

For those of us who have never before heard of Crispin Scrunt and wonder to themselves “Who he?”, besides his cabinet position, Crispin is the incumbent Tory MP for Shitegate in Surrey and a former officer in the 13th/18th Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment - who last August hopped out of the closet in a grand Busby Berkeley spectacular fashion and departed the matrimonial bed, informing his wife “I’m off to come to terms with the fact I’m a raving poofter and prefer getting it up the arse from other men than shagging you, darling.”

Hmmm, must have been a nice surprise for his constituents to finally know they’d voted a perverted shirt-lifting sodomite – a Biblical ‘abomination’ - into Parliamentary office.

After visiting the smouldering remains of HMP Twatts, Scrunt informed one reporter from the Scallies Gazette “A number of buildings were burned to the ground during the incident, which was reportedly alcohol-related. Now this type of anti-establishment behaviour simply isn’t good enough and the people responsible have been very naughty and must be punished. Seriously, take me at my word - if they’re not careful they could end up in prison for this kind of social pariah conduct. Really, I mean to say, what’s wrong with them - don’t they like it here?”

Scrunt added that two inquiries would be held, one being a police investigation into ‘what the fuck happened?’ - plus a Prison Service inquiry into why the incident kick started around midnight on New Year's Eve after the skeleton staff on duty tried to breathalyse some prisoners before they ventured out on their regular evening ‘pub pick-up’ taxi driving duties.

However, Wilf Bogbrush, the prison inmate’s official spokesman, told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker “There’s a few deeper seated issues that need rectification besides the fact the screws tried ter breathalyse some of the lads before they were allowed out ter do the late night pub rounds wiv the prison taxis an’ earn a few bob extra.”

“The festive season, such as it was in HMP Twatts before the bonfire, has gone from bad ter effin’ worse this past couple of years. The Christmas turkey was overcooked and dry as a nun’s snatch, the quality of the crackers an’ the little pressies inside were total crap – cheapo Chinese shit – plus the telly programmes were nowt either – Mary effin Poppins an’ the bleedin’ Grinch again.”
“Then we come ter our ‘dram of festive spirit’ – which is usually a fairly good quality vintage drop of 12 year first malt Meths from B & Q, but this year the screws had bought it from Pound Stretcher instead an’ it woz real mingin’ crap – an’ that’s wot started off the fireworks. We’re payin’ the screws good money fer quality meths an’ it tasted that bad no fucker or their dog would drink it so we used the shit ter torch the place then went over the fence an’ down ter the Plod & Scally Arms fer a few pints.”

Initial reports claim 400 inmates out of the 406 total were involved in the riot, and the fires destroyed several of the 5-star accommodation blocks, the gym, sauna and massage salon, the snooker hall, the HD- Digital cinema, and the prison’s 24/7 cyber café.

The ‘disturbance’ went on for 22 hours before it was "successfully resolved" by several hundred specially trained riot staff seconded from the Renta-Thug Security Agency at neighbouring Dorkminster – supported by US military Predator drones that picked off the riot’s ringleaders with precision bursts of 20 mm cannon fire.

The surviving inmates that didn’t bother to leg it and go home are now billeted at the Yobford NHS Trust Hospital, receiving treatment for a variety of injuries sustained from their encounter with the Renta-Thug task force – and ‘collateral damage’ shrapnel wounds from Predator drone missiles.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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