Jobs 4 Yobs NEETs Scheme Slammed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a fatally-flawed project launched on the initiative of the Lib-Dum leader and Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg, commercial corporations with a bent for self-harm and felo-de-se - or simply bankruptcy - are being sought by the Libservative Coalition to sign up for a payment-by-results scheme in an attempt to force naughty, numbskull NEET teenagers into work or training.

The £126 zillion quid Jobs 4 Yobs scheme is aimed at 55,000 teenagers in England with poor to zero academic qualifications who are currently not in education or employment - or studying for an NVQ 1 diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud.

However, while Mick Clogg optimistically informed the Scallies Gazette that his project would help get youngsters ‘into the world of work’ - the critics – and they are legion – are of a different opinion.

Candida Mingerot, director of the DUM-TWAT teachers' union, accused Clogg of being responsible for an increase in NEETs by scrapping the Education Maintenance Allowance and sanctioning the higher education tuition fee hikes imposed by greedy, grasping universities.

New Labour leader Ed Millipede went one further and informed a gaggle of House of Conmans press hacks that Clogg’s project was "Too small and much too fucking late – Tony Bliar and Gordon should have kick started this one years ago instead of wasting time invading Iraq and knocking off whingeing MoD weapons inspectors – and pulling the 7/7 false flag terrorist attacks just to get the Muslims into trouble – then we might just have a modicum of credibility left and still be in power".

To this statement Clogg responded by spitting the dummy and described the problem of rising youth unemployment as a ticking time bomb.
“Millipede’s an all-round fuckwit, as these kids are sitting at home or lounging around some bus shelter with a bunch of their Bolshie mates with nothing to do but read the Anarchist Gazette and plot the overthrown of officialdom's status quo – and believe you me, this type of shit can turn kids into a right bunch of evil radicals ready to storm the Bastille.”

”Just look what happen in France back in 1789 when they only had cake to eat – then again in Russia in 1917 when the Tsar’s family ate all the cake and the 99% peasants didn’t even get any crumbs: violent and bloody revolutions that overthrew the established pecking order and made things a damn sight worse than they were before.”

"We urgently need to step up efforts to ensure these troubled teenagers have the skills, confidence and opportunities to succeed in life and get their lazy arses off the sink or swim housing estates. Plus many of them have complex personal and social issues to deal with – such as galloping acne, truancy addiction, teenage pregnancy – and a total lack of brain cells."

Meanwhile, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith branded critics of the government's Jobs 4 Yobs scheme, which offers unpaid work placements in stores such as the Pestco supermarket chain or Pound Stretcher stores for teens who’ve been unemployed for more than three months, as a bunch of "job snobs".

"The implicit message behind these pathetic attacks by New Labour is that accepting employment in retail, such as those with our Greedy Grocer supermarkets or on the High Street, are not real jobs that worthwhile people do – and that’s very insulting and demeaning of the millions of peasants who are stuck in this type of dead-end job already.”

"I doubt I'm the only person who thinks the shelf-stackers in Poundland and Asda add more value to our society than many of these New Labour job snobs who are pontificating about our Libservative employment policies."

Conversely, Bev Titwank, a sixteen year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill council estate who is currently taking an internet University of Life PhD course in Urban Survival Techniques told a press hack from the Tosspots Review that “Clogg’s so full of shit. Wot we need ter generate job opportunities is ter get our arses out of this EUSSR fubar an’ tell Brussels ter fuck off eat shit an’ die – then kick out all these effin’ swan-roastin’ Albanian pikeys and Polacks wot’s comin’ over here wiv bent trade certificates an’ bullshit forged qualifications from the Cracow Institute for Advanced DIY an’ then they go impersonatin’ plumbers an’ plasterers and what-have-yer.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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