Virgin to Run West Coast MainLine for Nowt

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the face of Transport Secretary Justine ‘Piranha Jaws’ Greenthing suffering another of her spasmodic ‘blonde moment’ episodes and depriving Virgin Trains of their core asset / stock-in-trade Inter City West Coast Mainline operating franchise - which they’ve held and successfully run since 1997 – steadily improving services and increasing passenger numbers from sweet fuck all to 31 million per year - Sir Richard Branston-Pickle has offered to run the whole shebang for free to give hapless rail travellers a well-deserved break from being leeched dry by having to remortgage homes or pledge their first born to the Virgin Group as collateral for a full year season ticket.

The franchise, which was up for rebid, has seen the winning tender awarded by Minister Greenthing, the closet gay Tory MP for Slutney, to the Scaberdeen-based WorstGroup, who have basically pulled the rug from under Branston’s feet by stating they can operate the West Coast Mainline service for half of what the Virgin / Slowcoach partnership does – offering the public the greatest discomfort n inconvenience at the highest prices, and are set to take over – lock, stock and barrel as of the 9th December 2012 – unless Branston’s dummy-spitting, do-or-die lobbying ploy to delay the signing of the new contract while Parliament reviews the grossly under-priced franchise bid’s award to WorstGroup pays off.

In its relentless global acquisition feeding frenzy the WorstGroup empire has in this case made a series of sweeping statements that belie the realms of reality: specifically that they will introduce improved on-board Wi-Fi services and airline style armrest screens capable of accessing the ‘Pay-As-U-Wank’ streaming webcams of a legion of eastern European pikey skangers stripping and rogering themselves – and each other - on demand.

Additionally, for passengers equipped with cast iron constitutions and the ability to eat and digest stinging nettles and broken glass, a gourmet line of semi-edible sandwiches will be available in the E-Coli Catering’s dining car – along with more frequent trains and lots of seats and fold-away stools to provide a wider range of creature comforts for hapless travellers awaiting NHS knee joint surgery and hip replacements.

It is hoped these ‘little extras’ will help to offset passenger ‘rail rage’ incidents when the train breaks down and they’re stuck on board overnight in the middle of no-fucking-where – an expanded service that will include drop-down ‘Sit n Shit’ chemical toilets ‘and’ an adequate supply of bog rolls, plus sleeping bags, pillows and a selection of Tog 16 disposable duvets.

Conversely, in their endeavours to win back the contract Branston and his Virgin cabal claim WorstGroup have resorted to a mix of ‘boasts and bullshit’ which are more at scent than substance – with further pledges to introduce a dozen new ‘Mach 10 / Speed of Light’ fifty-car nuclear powered trains on the Birmingham-to-Glasgow ‘Rattle-Track’ route; provide more direct services between destinations - and to ‘cap the crap’ will slash standard fares by 15% as they pass ‘Go’ and head straight round the Monopoly board towards the Bankruptcy Court slot.

Virgin’s ego-centric boss, speaking via a cybernet media link from Knackers, his private Caribbean island, informed one press hack from the Crock of Shit Gazette that this series of outrageous promises made by WorstGroup’s PR agents ‘Propaganda Parrots’ to win the franchise tender bid were a pile of unrealistic crap and would lead to his rival usurper’s certain bankruptcy faster than shit through a seagull with a prolapsed sphincter.

“These very same DfT civil servants got their maths wrong with National Excess and GNER – and they've got their maths wrong with the WorstGroup bid. I might have said “Fuck it” with the East Coast Mainline bid but we’re going to oppose Secretary Greenthing’s award decision in the courts on this occasion.”
“WorstGroup are on a dead cert’ lemming suicide mission – a definite self-harming intent for financial seppuku – then when they throw their hands up after twelve months and declare bankruptcy they can get a massive government bailout and screw the taxpayers up the arse.”

Branston has addressed a very clear message to Louise Smellman, the Labour MP for Scouseland - and more pertinently in her role as the chairperson of the House of Conmans Transport Committee - to get the message across that WorstGroup are not fit for purpose – whereas Virgin Trains and joint operating partners Slowcoach are willing to run the franchise for sweet fuck all after December 9th - when they’re due to hand over the West Coast Mainline service, if more time was needed for a review – with a selling point of “How’s that for a spot of real time quantitative easing?”

In response to Branston’s munificent offer, the ginger-mingin Smellman, has written to Transport Secretary Greenthing to request the signing of the lop-sided 13-year duration contract with WorstGroup be postponed until Virgin’s Martin Luther style ‘Forty Questions’ expose / accusations are fully appraised and investigated by Parliament – and answered by WorstGroup – and further pointing out that the offer to run a public train service for nothing was a pretty good deal all round as far as Posh Dave Scameron’s austerity-bent Libservative Coalition government ministers were concerned.

Replying to Smellman’s communication, Mingeeter Godermiche, the PA for Secretary Greenthing, read out a press release to media hacks prepared by the arrogant hand of her obnoxious boss stating "I’m very disappointed with Richard Branston’s accusations and Virgin resorting to legal action to challenge the award, which casts a cloud of suspicion over my credibility and professional competence – and I wholly resent him referring to me as having the IQ of a potted plant.”

“The winning bidder was decided by a fair and established process - behind closed doors - and no decent ‘cross my palm with silver’ reason has been advanced to convince me to consider an alternative offer and not sign the agreement for my good American friend, WorstGroup’s CEO, Tim O’Tosser.”

Ironically, Branston’s campaign to have the decision reviewed has been backed by businessman Lord Alan Sugarlump, Naked TV chef Jamie Oliver, double Olympic gold medallist Mo Farah - and the stupid Russian meerkat that flogs car insurance on the telly – in all a gang of numpty twats who know less about rail passenger services than WorstGroup do.

To boot, well in excess of 100,000 of the common herd’s long-suffering rail travellers have signed an online petition against the decision to change the franchise operator – with such heartfelt, expressive comments as “Fuck WorstGroup!” comprising the core opinion.

Contemporary failed bidders for the West Coast’s Mainline service franchise included Rattle-Track, Notwork Rail, First Crapita Connect, Inter-Shitty and Caledonian Creeper - along with Snail-Rail and a late bid from Jarvis Junk Trains.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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