Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Greedy Grocers in New Ripoffs Scandal

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The ubiquitous Greedy Grocer rip-off supermarket chain majors, Pestco, Mammon & Snobfords, Pukesburys, Shiteland and Abra-Cadabra, have been caught running a bottled H2O scam and flogging common or garden ‘household’ tap water to zillions of unsuspecting customers.

Bottles of Pestco’s Everyday Value line’s ‘Thirsty Pikey’ and Pukesbury’s ‘Duckpond Delight’ are sitting on shelves squarely between big name brands of mineral water such as Evian’s ‘L’Eau de Maiden’, Perrier’s ‘Bubbly Jubbly’ and Al Qaeda’s Oasis brand ‘Nomad’s Nectar’ - devoid of any labelling to distinguish them nor indicate that the contents are the very same toxic chlorine and fluoride-loaded shite that comes out of taps and turns hapless goldfish a weird shade of translucent green after a few weeks.

Retail watchdog Ox-Rat have been quick to expose the pretence that stocking these items next to brand name mineral waters is, by implication alone, presenting a product of equal purity and beneficial content with no mention that customers can save money by simply turning on their own kitchen faucet and filling a glass (kitchen faucet, mind you, never water from the bathroom washbasin’s cold tap).

To wit, with mains ‘potable water’ (sic) pouring out of a household tap at 0:333 pence per litre and the Greedy Grocers flogging their product for 17p for a two-litre bottle, the public are getting ripped off with a mark-up price of 2,500%. Hmmm, profiteering - so nothing unusual there from a group of companies who send the bailiffs round to grab a family’s first born to settle store card debt.

Pestco sells their tap water under the name of ‘Everyday Value Thirsty Pikey’ which can be bought in a two-litre bottle for 17p or a six-pack of 500ml bottles for £1 quid – with the label simply stating ‘Water’ – with a CO2 boosted ‘Pikey Fizz’ version which sells for 40p a litre.

The acronym-blighted ‘H2O-UK’ trade body which are Broken Britain’s mains potable water suppliers, insist the product gushing out of household taps and garden hoses – and through the cracks in a legion of pavements - is cheap, healthy and safe, with absolutely no reason to filter out the mind-numbing fluoride additive that helps you forget about all the problems our dog-wanking government have got the country into.

The gospel according to a recent report from the Libservative Coalition’s quango-run Drinking Water Reassurance Department claims that 99.36 per cent of all samples are within health and safety standards.

Candida Mingerot of Water UK, informed one press hack from the Typhoid Gazette that “Just look at those test sample readings – 99.36% pure, so compared to Third World shitholes like the Southern Sudan, Somalia and Eritrea, our tap water is incredibly safe and people shouldn’t go wasting their money on this filtered bottled tap water rip-off from the Greedy Grocer stores – unless of course they want to avoid drinking the 0.64% of the water samples that were outside health and safety parameters - and could cause a nasty bout of the screaming shits – which could possibly turn out to be a dose of amoebic dysentery.”

Conversely, when asked by the Ripoffs Review about the origins of their Thirsty Pikey bottled water, Pestco spokeswoman Fellattia Portaloo initially reeled off a completely disingenuous explanation – perhaps better described as a 'pack of lies'.
“This is not filtered tap water. Our supplier confirms that the product originates from a spring in France but is bottled in the UK – probably somewhere they don’t have a hosepipe ban.”

After being threatened with exposure in the national press and reported to the Office of Fair Trading, Pestco management confirmed that while their Thirsty Pikey water does come from the UK mains, the Croydon-based supplier, Pierre le Mange & Co, filter it through a series of heavy duty rugby socks to remove impurities.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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