Wednesday, 1 August 2012

US Claim Swimmer Ye has Fish DNA

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

British Olympics chief Lord Colin Moynihan yesterday spit the proverbial dummy over what he termed ‘sour grapes’ and publicly slammed a US Games official for accusing the 16-year old Chinese gold medallist Ye Shiwen of being a ‘dope fiend’ after she won Saturday’s 400 metres swimming medley fair and square.

“Oh dear, how sad, John Leonard’s nose is out of joint due their ‘Great White Hope’ Lizzie Beisel getting beaten by Beijing’s ‘Great Yellow Hope’ – which simply goes to show the Yanks need to train harder and come to terms with the fact that someone has to lose. Obviously the Chinese Olympic team’s restricted diet regime of fish and rice - and two jumps at the cupboard door for dessert - beats McD’s fast food chew and spew washed down with fizzy aspartame-laced Coke.”

The bone of contention lies in the fact that Ye Shiwen knocked five seconds off her personal best to break the world record and win a gold medal in the 400 metres pool event – swimming at a rate of knots best described by sports media presenters as ‘faster than a speeding mullet’.

Conversely, the target of Lord Moynihan’s ire, US coach John Leonard - the executive director of the World Swimming Association – opined to one press hack from the Crackheads Gazette that Ye’s speed through the water was unbelievable – wholly ignoring her perfected ‘power-to-weight ratio’ and further hinting that the win over US contender Beisel, who came in second place to claim the silver medal, was due the use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Regardless of Moynihan’s sanctifying beatification bestowed on Ms Shiwen, the sourpuss Leonard, executive director of the WSCWA (World Swimming Coaches Whingeing Association), refused to be outdone and further disparaged Ye’s win, claiming the she reminded him of the East German women swimmers in the 1980s, who were caught doping up with steroids and ‘speed’ on a systematic basis – and two discovered to be hermaphrodites.
“I ain’t forgotten what kind of tricks these Commies get up to – just like that Russian scumbag Boris Onischenko back in the 1976 Montreal fencing events, and his ‘magic’ epee.”

"The history of Olympic sports events proves that every time we are presented with an extraordinary physical performance it always turns out that doping was involved. Okay, if this Moynihan guy says the drug tests are clear, then I say we need to check her DNA cos these sneaky Chinks will try anything to win and I wouldn’t mind betting she’s the subject of genetic manipulation and might be a half-human / half fish chimera that’s more at home in water than on land.”

“Hey, I ain’t joking here, this kid might just be a genetic hybrid amphibian, so there’s little wonder they call her the Mandarin Mermaid, who learned to swim before she could walk - and in my opinion the webbed feet and gills are a dead giveaway of DNA tampering.”

In contrast the US Olympic Committee (USOC) has been quick to distance itself from Leonard's politically incorrect outburst, ensuring Beijing that he is not part of their delegation.
USOC spokesman Billy Bob Winklepicker informed the Grouchers Review that “Leonard’s the type of guy you can take anywhere twice – the second time to apologise – and his comments concerning Ms Ye Shiwen are an independent view and fuck all to do with us."

“Believe me, Wada (the World Anti-Doping Agency) are right on the ball, testing every fucker and their dog, so if anyone turns up stoned they’re bound to spot it. Leonard needs to remember that the Olympics are about the world's best athletes competing at the highest level – so records are getting broken faster than a sodomite’s celibacy vows in a Roman Catholic seminary.”

Chinese Olympics chief coach Flip Flop Fong had this to say to the media “Wat da fuck wrong wid dese people, ha? Da Yanks just sore losers cos dey don’t win all da time an’ our swimmer Ye is like torpedo.”
“Maybe they should train like our athletes, run twenty miles non-stop every morning pulling a rickshaw loaded wid fat old ladies – an’ have da added incentive of knowing dat if dey don’t win dere event den dere family gonna end up in one of China’s Smiley Face organ donor centres an’ missing a kidney each.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Brill' - laughed my socks off.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic!! "Great Yellow Hope" had me in stitches!