Friday, 3 August 2012

Austerity Dave Hosts Vlad Putrid Visit

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Posh Dave Scameron’s juggling several hot potatoes this week as he attempts to keep one eye on the ball and a finger on the nation’s pulse - plus deal with the distraction of having to order Scotland Yard to get their proverbial shit together and track down the tea-leaf who nicked Bradley Wiggins Lycra cycling kit from his hotel room laundry pile - admonishing the Met’s head of Organised Crime, DAC Sue Knackers with “We can’t have Bradders riding a bike around Stratford in his sodding birthday suit and bollocks hanging out just because some Asbo oick’s stolen his Olympics kit, now can we?”

Oh yes, Dave’s flat out like a lizard drinking, what with Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, the banksters, Libor, Broken Britain’s double-dip depression, burgeoning unemployment, additional G4S fubars, the eurozone crisis, and watching out for New Labour – and too his own Tory and Lib-Dum back-stabbers every time he sets foot in the House of Conmans – with hardly time to catch his breath and ensure Number 10’s kitchen skivvies keep the samovar on the boil and chill a couple of flagons of Bargain Booze’s vintage Stolichnaya ready for Thursday’s visit by Russian President Vlad Putrid and a delegation of his ex-KGB Mafia cohorts, to view the Olympic judo events.

Downing Street’s cabinet spokeswoman, ‘Soundbite Scabby’ Bertin, informed press hacks “Posh Dave’s really run off his feet this week, with all the 2012 Olympics brouhaha - and making sure Mossad don’t pull another false flag terrorist attack like they did on 7/7, without clearing it with him first. Plus he’s stood in front of the mirror every chance he gets, practicing his ju-jitsu moves and karate blows, just in case Mr Putrid tried to give him a ‘knuckle-crusher’ or a Chinese Burn when they shake hands.”

“Of course, they’ll have tons to discuss, as Dave wants to get President Putrid on our side over Syria and stop this silly vetoing of the UN Security Council vote to prevent us sending in NATO troops to help the rebels overthrow Basher Assad’s nasty regime of baby killers so they can have elections and enjoy a democratic system of government, just as they've got in Libya now since that awful Gaddafi person was dropped down a sewer – and in Bahrain or wherever it is the peasants have been complaining the King’s a total prat.”

“Of course, the Pussy Riot punk rock group trial is on the discussions agenda also, to make sure those poor girls get a fair hearing before they’re sent off to the Siberian gulags for seven-years on a charge of hooliganism, which we consider entirely disproportionate for what is viewed here as a minor breach of the peace, punished with an Asbo or a Community Service Order. Really, the Spanish Inquisition’s gone, and no-one gets burned at the stake anymore for a spot of blasphemy and irreverently gobbing off and swearing in church.”

“I’m sure President Putrid wants to keep Baron Rothshite and the Israelis happy too, and see an end to the violence in Syria, just the same as Prime Minister Scameron – even if things will have to hot up for a while when we send NATO in to give the al Qaeda rebels a bit of a hand and make sure the Assad gang get the hoof.”
“Then it will be up to the opposition forces to sort their own fanatical sectarian differences out with a bit of a civil war, the same as Iraq and Libya – and eventually hold democratic elections and form a government.”
“Really, all this Sunni and Cher and Shias and Shits and Shites Islamic cultish rubbish is beyond me. Why can’t they all be Christians like the rest of us and get along together?”

Thought for the day. While Posh Dave might well be pushing Putrid to do his bit by persuading China they should both curtail their veto of a UN vote to send in NATO troops to ‘end to the conflict in Syria’ – by, ironically, expanding it first – Vlad the Impaler was quick to point out that Western propaganda viz a ‘stable’ Syria was total hypocrisy as the country enjoyed a ‘stable’ socio-political situation until the ZioNazi Great Satan’s ‘Arab Spring’ revolts were kick started and rebel mercenary groups, funded by Western proxy Arab states – specifically Qatar and Saudi Arabia – declared war on Basher al Assad’s incumbent Ba’athist regime.

The gospel according to president Putrid reads: “Now they want to do to Syria what was done to Libya - once the richest country in Africa and now a chaotic NATO puppet state run by out of control sectarian thugs who have imprisoned, tortured and killed thousands of Libyans.”

“While Scameron and I agree that we both wish to see an end to the conflict in Syria, my advice is for the West to stop funding the foreign mercenaries comprising the rebel groups that pose as this fictitious Free Syrian Army and let President Assad get on with wiping them out – then they can hold democratic elections.”

“If we allow Syria to fall to this Zionist conspiracy – this insidious plot – then next will be Lebanon to neuter Hezbollah, then it will be Iran – and if that succeeds then Pakiland will be on their agenda and balkanised via the route of a breakaway Balochistan – and once the Islamabad regime is truly debilitated to the point of impotency, then the Zionists will seize their nuclear weapons arsenal. That is the Protocols of the Greedy Bastard Elders of Zion end game plan strategy.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The Bradley Wiggins bit about his Lycra getting stolen was brilliant - in fact the whole spoof's brill'