Thursday, 9 August 2012

Quangos Get Disability Assessment Contract

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

UK charities are aghast and up in arms following a leak by whistle-blowing anarchist moles inside the Department for Works & Pensions that certain power-broking parties of self-interest within Broken Britain’s corruption-ridden civil service and Libservative Coalition government have awarded lucrative ‘no bid’ contracts to private NGO support services corporations Atosspot Wealthcare and Crapita to run a fatally-flawed work-capability assessment program to check that registered disabled people are actually ‘disabled’ and not ‘swinging the leg’ (no pun intended / sic).

The ‘Gimps with Limps’ handicapped charity slammed the untendered ‘done deal’ outsourcing contracts to dodgy quangos that threaten half a million marginalised members of the common herd with the loss of their benefits as part of Posh Dave Scameron’s draconian austerity reforms, which will affect working age disabled people from April 2013.
However pensioners and children already registered as disabled will not be affected unless they engage in full-time gainful employment – such as school crossing ‘lollipop’ wardens or Dickensian style chimney sweeps.

Both companies, already notorious for their past performance records of Biblical scale fubars and snafus committed across the length and breadth of the social services environment, and considered by popular opinion to be unfit for purpose after winning the Queen’s Award for Incompetence, will be tasked with assessing people who claim to be handicapped in some manner or other – physical or mental - and are currently being paid all manner of welfare benefits – and henceforth categorise their level of disability according to the DWP’s ‘Sliding Scale’ of 1 to 10 – with an arm or leg amputee scoring a mere 1 whereas a paraplegic window-licker diagnosed with such anti-social afflictions as Tourettes Syndrome and Galloping Agoraphobia might possibly qualify for a 9 rating.

To wit, the Sliding Scale system will replace the current Disability Living Allowance with the all-new ‘Single Household Income Top-up’ payment, better known by the acronym ‘SHIT’ – designed to automatically reassess incapacity benefits for the genuinely disabled and cancel those found to be faking their physical limitation handicaps and levels of mental retardation.

Atosspots has already caught hails of flack for carrying out inaccurate assessments on the unemployed, hence there are grave concerns over their existing scheme being applied to ‘incapacity assessments’ and the flawed tick box nature of the tests yet again resulting in a high rate of inaccurate decisions, with 40% of their past rulings being overturned on appeal.

Ronnie McScrunt, chief executive of the deaf-blind charity Dingbats, informed one press hack from the Handi-Tard Gazette that “We’re concerned that this poxy excuse of an effin’ government has awarded further contracts ter Atosspot Wealthcare an’ Crapita cos their track record fer Work Capability Assessments is a fuckin’ disgrace – an’ their so-called ‘assessment teams’ are a bunch of fuckwits kitted out wiv a ‘one size fits all’ guidebook fer assessing an individual’s disability.”

“We did an undercover investigation last year inter the scandalous reports we woz receivin’ that the staff they employed simply wozn’t fit fer purpose an’ this supposed effin’ doctor wot woz doin’ the assessments fer Crapita had some pikey medical diploma nailed ter his office wall from the University of Walachia School of Veterinarian Medicine.”

“Since the ‘by-design’ bankin’ crash of 2008 successive governments across Europe, an' specifically here in Broken Britain, have bin force-feedin’ their hapless populations a toxic diet of austerity poison – where decline replaces prosperity, living standards deteriorate an’ our societies become no longer fit ter live in cos we’re dominated by a capitalist system wot’s in terminal decline – an’ if yer adopt a non-compliance stance then they slash yer benefits faster than Freddy Kruger on speed.”

“Now the Libservatives are gonna take social injustice a step further by targetin’ the marginalised an’ disaffected of our fucked-up society an’ widen the already-gapin’ divide between the 99% Have Not’s and the rulin’ privileged 1% elitist Have’s.”

“So these idiotic neoliberal priorities are seein’ essential public spendin’ slashed ter the bone an’ it’s any fucker’s guess how much more people are gonna take before a cause an’ effect reaction of cataclysmic proportions erupts wherein the tumbrels start rollin’ down the streets an’ the entire established order gets tossed outa the door, along wiv the bathwater an’ the effin’ baby – cos the longer fiscal pain continues the closer an ultimate day of reckonin' approaches, an’ when it does arrive it will be wiv an effin’ big, disruptive ‘bang.”

“The proletariat knows that throwin’ out the scumbag parasites wot’s in Parliament an’ the civil service fer a set of new ones is gonna accomplish sweet fuck all as long as Westminster’s controlled by the EUSSR’s corruption-ridden kleptocracy in Brussels.”

Conversely, PM 'Austerity Dave' Scameron, alike Tony Bliar before him, yet another master of self-magnification, took to the floor of the House of Conmans to poo-poo the Dingbats charity criticisms and shout down opponents to the contracts being awarded to Crapita and Atosspot Wealthcare, then waxing evangelical, declared “Well, we’re taking a leaf from the New Testament gospels viz ‘Faith’ – specifically if the will is there to be part of our Big Society then the lame shall cast aside their crutches and walk – and once they’ve got that far then keep hobbling on down to the Jobless Centre and see what’s been posted in the ‘Volunteer’ employment section.”

Thought for the day. Take a peek at the Calum's List website, established by families and friends of lost loved ones to record the devastating toll of suicides and deaths which have resulted from policies that are branding the unemployed and disabled as ‘scroungers’ and snatching away their means of living - as instanced by the closure of Remploy – and so many more lifeline facilities:

As a result of this vicious attack on disability and jobless benefits by our ‘not-fit-for-purpose’ Libservative Coalition Dog & Pony Show of a government more than 1,000 disability claimants have died due laying violent hands upon themselves between January and August last year when they were assessed as being fit for work.
These mortality figures include a dad who committed suicide after his housing benefit was cut and a 21-year-old woman on jobless-seeker's allowance who killed herself after 200 unsuccessful job applications.

Hmmm, Agenda 21 anyone? Or perhaps a better reference would be the Hitlerian Nazi eugenicists ‘Aktion T4’ euthanasia program to dispose of society’s disabled ‘nuisances’ – what today’s Club of Rome and Bilderberg elitist pondscum refer to as the ‘useless eaters’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Lisa Coleman, General Manager, Atos Healthcare said...

This post is an insult and libellous. Remove it immediately or it will be referred to our legal representatives for court action.

Ally said...

Viz your allegation of libel and threat of litigative action, our editorial team refer you to the legal response given in the case of Arkell vs Pressdram (1971): specifically "Fuck off".

Bazzer said...

Like it Ally - or is that Rusty's response?

Anonymous said...

What's their problem - the truth or the 'Atosspots' label? Ha, no word on a joint legal action from 'Crapita' then yet?

Fletch said...

That is hilarious Ally - or Rusty. God, I love this blog, a laugh a minute and more entertaining than the newspapers.
You should get these posts published in a book Rusty. How many on here now, and I've only read a sampling, some 2,160-odd?

Paul said...

Greetings from Ireland for you poor cock suckers in England.
Who does this bovine tosspot, Lisa Coleman, think she is by honouring you with such a nice bit of bully. Obviously she must have been seriously brain damaged by a hockey stick on her graduation day from the Academy of Common Purpose.
My mate, Glenda Jackson MP, will hear of this, she is trying at this moment to pull Lisa's knickers down in a parliamentary sub-committee to reveal what kind of testiculat twallop lies beneath.
Lisa reminds me so much of that dick-head from the Treasury, Chloe Smith,the one who caught Paxmania the other week. Another gob-shite civil servant/politician with Common Purpose tattoed on her arse, a typical Libservative ball sucker.
I never swear at ladies but in this instance because genders are regrettably becoming confused, I would just like to join this blog's legal opinion and say "fuck off Lisa, there are more out here than you think".