Saturday, 4 August 2012

Belarus Launch Teddy Bear's Picnic Crackdown

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The ultra-paranoid president of Belarus has resorted to the old tried and tested Stalinist Soviet code of discipline by having his air force and border security chiefs kicked out of their beds before dawn and dragged off at gunpoint – and in chains - to some dismal three star gulag due their incompetence in failing to prevent a light aircraft from dropping – wait for it – a cargo of teddy bears across the length and breadth of the die-hard Marxist utopia - with labels round their woolly necks calling for (shhhh!) DEMOCRACY.

President Alexander Lukashenko - a former cormorant strangler and known to friends and associates alike as a right nasty twat, has, after eighteen years in the dictator’s seat, acquired a certain notoriety for his homicidal tendencies, such as tearing the heads off political opponents and making a hobby of collecting human rights violation complaints from the International Court in the Hague.

These acts of barbarity have served to earn him the psycho sobriquet of the Minsk Mauler and be rightly maligned by foreign human rights groups for retaining many Soviet-era symbols of state power – such as chrome-plated thumbscrews, the Kafkaesque secret police and a host of grotty gulags hidden deep in the country’s dense forests - guarded by regiments of even denser security apparatchik thugs.

A press statement from Lukashenko’s office issued to one reporter from the state-controlled Lackeys Gazette on Tuesday revealed the Chairman of the State Border Committee, Maj Gen Igor Numptsky and Air Defence Commander Maj Gen Oleg Dumbfuck had been relieved from their official posts for failing in their duties to prevent the Operation Teddy infiltration.

The plane, chartered by a Swedish human rights group, Shit-Stirrers, dropped thousands of cuddly teddies across Belarus and the outskirts of the capital Minsk during the course of its flight from a base in Lithuania – with the bears descending on little parachutes with labels hung around their necks calling for fresh elections and a freedom of speech picnic.

Agents of the Ninth Chief Directorate security service, whose primary task is to target the President's political enemies, and bound by neither judicial or legislative oversight, have arrested several thousand hapless Belarusians suspected of aiding and abetting the Swedish stunt – including professional anarchist Anton Shitoutaluck and Sergei Bottlesgone, a career self-harming journalist, who if found guilty, could face up to a hundred year hard labour sentence in the remote Navapolatsky Marmite mines.

Lukashenko has been slammed by international human rights and wrongs groups for his repeated crack downs on opponents and anyone else who incurs his rabid wrath – with the 2010 elections marred by reports of abuses when the political competition candidates disappeared the night before the nationwide ballot was due – and turned up dead two days later in Minsk’s Druzhby Norodaw Park after taking part in a collective suicide pact and shooting each other through the back of the head – twice.

Vitaly Pissoffsky, Amnesty International’s director for Eastern Europe, spoke to press hacks concerning the opposition party murders conspiracy and the recent teddy bear protest, declaring “The suicide story has as much veracity as the entire Polish government getting killed in a plane crash while landing in Smolensk two years ago - Lukashenko simply had the political opposition murdered and his graft and corruption-ridden Practical Pig Kleptocracy Party won the vote and stayed in power.”

“Waltzing with dictators is forever a problem when you are dealing with homicidal maniacs who hate teddy bears, and we don’t know if the rabid likes of Lukashenko are best described as a despot - or simply a tosspot”
“He views anyone who dares disagree with him as a non-conformist radical, and when the only tool in your political service kit is a hammer then every problem gets treated like a nail and belted into submission.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Rusty's spoof on this one is hilarious - the actual real incident and follow up was not so for the people of Minsk. What kind of political madman has people arrested for possession of a teddy bear?

Fletch said...

Ha, I thought that was a spoof too but it's actually true, the teddy bears on parachutes invasion.