UK Councils go RIPA Overboard

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In response to a report compiled jointly by Ox-Rat and Twat-Watch, the UK's civil rights abuse / snitch and grassers groups, from documents leaked by whistle-blowing local authority moles revealing that 345 of Broken Britain’s town hall councils have launched an astonishing 9,600 spying missions on the public over the past three years, the communities secretary, Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles, has sharply castigated the BBC (Biased Broadcasting & Coverups) and a legion of other public bodies for attempting to conceal their abuse of covert surveillance powers – hence avoiding transparency and any form of judicial oversight.

Bazzer McScrote, director of the Twat-Watch civil liberties charity, informed one press hack from the Totalitarian Gazette that the controversial Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 was being abused by a bunch of Town Hall jobsworths along with other power-mad bureaucratic toe-rags and low-life tosspots out to boost council incomes through on-the-spot fines - and further criminalise every aspect of normal human behaviour.

“This dog an’ pony show of a Libservative Coalition government needs ter put the block on councils exploitin’ RIPA cos it amounts ter nowt more than a fatally flawed piece of crap legislation wot woz ostensibly passed ter fight Muslim terrorist fanatics wot hates our democratic freedoms – wotever the fuck they are."
"Now we got these local authority fuckwits embarkin’ on a virtual surveillance orgy, usin’ the RIPA statutes ter launch some effin’ ‘Snark Hunt’ an spy on any fucker an’ their dog fer minor offences such as floutin’ the smoking ban, droppin’ litter an’ shovin’ their wheelie bins out too early – or too effin’ close ter the kerb – an’ usin’ motion-activated cameras mounted on lamp posts an’ hidden in garden hedges.”

“The yer got these council spies disguisin’ themselves as parkin’ meters and road signs in an attempt ter trap disability welfare claimants out joggin’ marathons an’ playin’ in golf tournaments an’ winnin’ gold medals in the Olympic equestrian events – along wiv gettin’ access ter the phone records of families suspected of cheatin’ on school catchment area rules so their kids don’t have ter travel 20 miles ter get an education cos the not-fit-fer-purpose government haven’t built enough schools – or have turned their local one inter one of these Asbo Central academies fer some buddin’ teenage anti-Christ an’ their yobster disciples. Let’s not forget that this outcome-based teachin’ system is nowt ter do wiv education – it’s neuro-linguistic programmin’ – wot yer call social engineerin’.”

Responding to the joint Twat-Watch / Ox-Rat report, the grossly obese ‘Six Chins’ Pickles - who caused a news sensation last year while on holiday in Spain and was mistaken for a beached whale when lying on the sands at the Costa del Yobbo - condemned a host of publicly-owned bodies including the UK’s local authority councils in their entirety - along with the BBC, Ofsted, the JoblessCentre and the Royal Mail, for abusing RIPA powers to spy on the same hapless public tax-payers who funded their very existences.

Pickles informed media hacks “What we need is a system of robust accountability imposing on all state bodies, not just these pettifogging local authorities, to ensure anti-terrorism powers are never arbitrarily abused without a good reason, and I personally welcome Ox-Rat and Twat-Watch’s diligence in providing an independent source of continuing scrutiny and challenge."

Accountability besides, these powers have been used by a breed of Stasi-minded, surveillance-addicted techno-bureaucrats that are pushing for CCTV cameras - connected to the GCHQ’s Big Brother ‘Triple Six’ computer database – to be installed on every one of Broken Britain’s highways and byways, and too in every home - to tackle trivial issues such as catching telly licence evaders watching the X-Factor on their goggle box, committing trading standards offences, benefit fraud and fly-tipping, along with trivial issues – like stalking dog owners suspected of not scooping the poop – with Smegmadale-on-Sea council mounting 315 operations since 2010 involving MQ-9 Reaper drones tasked to circle overhead for days at a time and photograph cyclists biking on the town’s promenade pavements.

Further local authority abuses included Fuckborough Council deploying a unit of PCSO’s 24/7 over a six week period to spy on a hillside farmer suspected of organising sheep-shagging orgies for a cabal of London zoophiliacs – and infiltrating female staff at the town’s Happy Ending rub n tug massage parlour to expose ‘dirty deeds’ concerning the establishment being a front for an unlicensed golly-flogging bordello: with both spying operations resulting in zero arrests or prosecutions.

In response to Pickle’s criticism of their abuse of RIPA powers the BBC, Ofsted, Royal Mail, UK Border Agency, the Prison Service and UK Trade and Investment refused to comment or make any disclosure, citing an illusionary exemption that the information would reveal the sneaky methods employed to catch offenders of whatever they wished to class as an offence.

Legislation about to be enacted, which critics claim will prove to be as much use as tits on a bull but is designed to ensure that from November 2012 local council über-fascists are compelled get ‘judicial approval’ – which will quite possibly materialise into being no more than a note signed by one of their fellow Freemasons posing as a magistrate - to abuse the RIPA powers and mount covert surveillance operations on some 90-odd year old Grandma who thinks all this talk about ‘household waste recycling’ involves riding round on a bike with a bag of garbage on your back.

Conversely the Local Government Association spokesman Fizzy al-Kaseltzer opined to media hacks that “The old nosy parker neighbourhood spy culture of twitching curtains and slanderous fishwife gossip is outdated, hence we need to employ trained snoops kitted out with the latest technology. Never mind what old ‘Beef Dripping Billy’ Pickles - Mr Cellulite – says, we need these powers to catch offenders and fund our budgets with on-the-spot fines.”

“This is what RIPA was drafted for – and anyone who doesn’t clean up their pooch’s crap is a domestic terrorist in my book. One day it’s dogshit, then next the same scally’s doing a Guy Fawkes and blowing up the House of Conmans with one of those nasty black pepper and peroxide bombs, the same as MI5 and Mossad used to blast the shit out of those three tube trains and the bus in the 7/7 false flag terror attacks.”

“Not so”, was the response from Ox-Rat’s Bev Titwank, “We’re sick to the effing teeth with local council’s one-size-fits-all approach to every fucking thing and fielding squads of these Community Enforcement Officers on hire from the Renta-Thug Security Agency – a bunch of NLP-indoctrinated zombies turned out piecemeal by the likes of that sinister Common Purpose social engineering syndicate – that amount to nothing more that a bunch of career tossers bent on lowering the threshold for what justifies a civil or criminal offence.”

“My personal experience of this gang of renta-morons acting as community snoops - and too the reports of abuse of powers that we investigate, expose in the media and defend in courts – reinforces an opinion that a thing they are not is friendly neighbourhood enforcers.”

“One of the officious CEO fascists we have patrolling our streets is a renowned social outcast – galloping halitosis, pebble-dash acne and the personality of a leper colony - who got herself recruited to the job through some relative who’s an Alderman – and this lard-arsed butch dyke parades herself around kitted out with the all-empowering uniform, a Batman utility belt, ‘Stay-Brite’ shiny badge with its own micro CCTV camera, a radio – and the intellect of a potted plant.”

“These uber-hypocrites spout streams of pontificating bullshit concerning our civil rights, freedom of expression and liberty, and the dangers posed by the illusory menace of militant Islam to this political farce referred to as a democratic system of government, yet adopt oppressive, authoritarian methods to keep the common herd in line – and batter into submission any and all who would question the government’s fascist methods.”

“Hence we have to speculate, what’s next if we continue to allow these totalitarian technocrats to have their wicked way and walk all over us - Trapwire and facial recognition systems manned by some latter-day Gestapo behavioural detection officer? Hitler, Stalin and Mao would be proud of today’s over-zealous fascist brownshirts and what this draconian I-Spy panopticon surveillance society of ours has become.”

Thought for the day. While Orwell’s 1984 provides both alarming and prophetic insights to what a Dystopian state might manifest as, perhaps it is time, and again prudent, to remind PM Austerity Dave Scameron and his Libservative Coalition that the revelatory text was a ‘warning’ aimed at the common people – and definitely not a blueprint and instruction manual – Totalitarianism for Dummies - for governments to impose on their own voting public.

To wit, fuck the Freemasons and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.