Friday, 10 August 2012

Plods Make ‘Olympic Smiles’ Mandatory

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A spectator sat watching the 2012 London Olympic Men’s Cycling Road Race on its route through the quaint village of Bellend in Slurrey last week is seeking an official police apology after being arrested for ‘not smiling’ as the race passed by and copping a caution for being a miserable git.

Ron Scowler, a former lemon-sucking addict and winner of the 1996 Egremont Crab Fair Gurners Cup, who suffers from septic haemorrhoids and a chronic ingrown foreskin condition, has demanded an apology for what he claims was a gross over-reaction on the part of the Slurrey Plod Squad.

Speaking to one press hack from the OTT Gazette outside his home at Sneersby Terraces, Ron explained, “There I woz, sat on top of this wall mindin’ me own effin’ business an’ before yer could say ‘Boo!’ ter a goose the plods fires this taser thingy at me an’ grabs us off me seat, throws me ter the floor an’ puts the cuffs on – so all I saw of the effin’ cycle race - wiv bein’ flat out on the pavement wiv a plod sat on me back shoutin’ “Don’t dare make a move, Achmed!” - and me nose hangin’ over the kerb - woz a load of wheels an’ spokes as the bikes went by.”

In typical fashion of what Broken Britain’s voting (and taxpaying) public have come to expect from our ‘not-fit-for-purpose’ Plod Squad and their post 9/11 Gestapo style carte blanche powers of intimidation and ‘pre-emptive’ arrest, the 69-year-old Mr Scowler had his fingerprints, DNA and mugshot taken before being interrogated and waterboarded by Olympics Anti-Terrorist Unit officers as to the reasons for his miserable demeanour and visible lack of beaming enthusiasm during the July 28th cycling event.

Bellend police defended their neurotic actions, claiming “This man was positioned close to a small group of Bolshie anti-cycling protesters and based on his sulky manner, state of dress and proximity to the race’s course, our officers referred to their Terrorist Recognition for Dummies handbook, judged he fitted the profile of a Muslim suicide bomber posing as a Brazilian electrician - and his backpack possibly contained a weapon of mass distraction – hence they arrested him for a pre-emptive breach of the peace under the statutes of the Public Paranoia Act 2010.”

Police sources claim Scowler was only detained for two hours and his missing fingernails were a result of a self-harm attempt from clawing at the cell wall and not as he claims, ripped out with pliers when he was unable to answer questions put to him by MI5 interrogators in Arabic, Pashto and Urdu.

However the Dorkford and Bellend Clarion carries a report he was held incommunicado under the provisions of the UK Terrorism & Scaremongering Act 2006 and the statutes of the EU SOCPA 2005 legislation, and only released after his wife reported him as being AWOL when he failed to return home for several days and missed their daughter’s birthday party the following week.

Interviewed by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr on the BBC’s primetime hit ‘Extraordinary Rendition’ programme, Scowler opined “Okay, maybe I woz at fault fer not takin’ me happy pills that mornin’, but wiv my chronic medical conditions it’s pretty rare that I feel like smilin’. I ask yer, how the fuck would you feel wiv a perennially-sore cock an’ a bunch of suppositories shoved up yer arse 24/7?”

Last night, campaigners for septic piles patients declared it was an example of the misunderstandings those with the condition face, with Beverly Titwank, spokeswoman for Haemorrhoids UK adding: “Despite affecting more than 127,000 people in the UK, those suffering from an aggravated haemorrhoids syndrome are subject to misconceptions about the condition. All too frequently people tell us how are they are accused of acting suspiciously if they stop to scratch their itchy bum in the street or venture into a public toilet to slide another soothing suppository up their inflamed back passage.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.



Anonymous said...

Funny. Hilarious in fact

Ron said...

Don't blink - this is ur future - kiss ur ass goodbye.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!! You're on very good form at the moment.