Olympic Market Traders Ripped Off

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Local traders who had the ‘misguided’ business sense – or a complete and utter lack of such – to trust the word of their local authority and invest an average of £25,000 quid each for stalls on the disastrous Olympia Ethnic Food Market at Slumborough Hamlets in east London are demanding refunds from the organisers: specifically Doggers Wood Council and the NLR / Scamco / Pikey Retail contractors.

Alderman Ron McTwatt, speaking on behalf of the council, claimed they hadn’t seen one red cent of the money invested by prospective traders “These people need to be taking to North London Ripoffs and their contracting partners, Scamco and Pikey Retail. They’re the ones solely responsible for the success of the market as they won the tender to locate, organise, manage and run the event – and received direct payments through brokering their contracts with stall holders – which to date we at the council haven’t been paid anything in the way of rents from these fly-by-night scally outfits."

“Not so,” claims Scamco’s spokeswoman Candida Mingerot. “In a nutshell this was an idea created by the council, put out to tender by the council and presented as a partnership with them – and we were granted a concession to manage a Games Time Food Hall Event so the council could showcase the borough’s multi-cultural population’s diversity through an ethnic chew n spew extravaganza.”
“Believe me, Alderman McTwatt and a bevy of other local authority career criminals all copped for their advanced payoffs in the form of £50 quid notes stuffed in a buff envelope each, which is the usual practice round these parts.”

Harry Mince, the CEO of North London Ripoffs, was unavailable for comment to the media, having been found dead last week after taking his own life in what the Met’s Plod Squad are surmising was due an attack of conscience over his personal involvement with the dismal failure of the 2012 Olympic Games market.
Delivering his verdict, the Doggers Wood coroner commented that with Mr Mince stabbing himself several times in the back and then putting a bullet through his own head, this was possibly the most determined case of suicide he had ever come across.

Kosovo immigrant Titsup Macaroni, a former swan roast chef at the popular Romany-themed Gyppo’s Armpit pub, who was mis-sold an alphabet spaghetti food stall pitch at the market, said she’d lost £20,000 quid on her investment paid to Pikey Retail.
“This is the fault of Doggers Wood Council wot initiated the ethnic food market opposite the Pestco Greedy Grocer car park an’ contracted it to North London Ripoffs - and then posted a direction map to the Olympic Park wot told visitors to go via a different route.”

"Right now I'm so pissed off I could spit fire an’ really feel cheated an’ robbed an’ just want to slice the bollocks off the twats responsible for this fuck-up," she told reporters. “I’m out all night floggin’ me golly to Games tourists so I can afford to open me stall in the market an’ all I end up wiv is a sore snatch an’ a dose of clap.”

Another affected trader who lost her £25,000 nicker investment, Bev Titwank, a sixteen year old mother-of-three, informed press hacks they’d been "sold a total crock of shit" by the council that 80,000 people would be passing through the market on a daily basis, going to and from the Olympic Games stadium, when there was no sign of any fucker or their dog – apart from skiving G4S security guards on the mooch.

“Some of us took out mega payday loans from Shark-Cash ter get involved in wot woz put across as a chance of a lifetime money-spinnin’ opportunity. Personally I took a second mortgage out on me garden shed, pawned the cat an’ leased me eldest daughter fer three months on e-Bay’s sex slave listin’s ter a paedo’ Paki’ taxi driver from Rochdale.”

Thought for the day. Staging the 2004 Olympics bankrupted Athens – and look at the insolvent euro-crisis state of Greece today. Now, eight years on – will over-spend post-Olympics London go the same way?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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