UK Prisons: 'Volunteering' the New Slavery

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under the statutes of the Freedom of Information Act 2000, Ken ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Clarke, the lard-arsed Minister of Justice, has been forced to admit that PM ‘Austerity Dave’ Scameron’s ‘Prisons-4-Profit’ pilot scheme project has sanctioned a questionably legal agreement wherein a bunch of prisoners from HMP Scrotes in Monmouthshire, Welsh Wales, have been coerced into a ‘work experience’ scenario for an excess of two months at a rate of 40 pence per hour, in the telephone sales division of a Cardiff-based private company: Becoming Richer.

People working in the prisons sector, still possessed of a moral conscience and who refuse to succumb to corruption and greed, or worship at the altar of Mammon, described the scheme as a disgusting, worrying development, and a situation all too reminiscent of the scandalous practices of the notorious slavery sweatshops of Third World kleptocracies - where the rule of law was a biddable commodity.

After establishing what the red top gutter press tabloids have branded a very dodgy ‘secret handshake’ relationship with his Masonic Brotherhood counterpart – prison governor Sir Irwin Sleazebag at the minimum-security HMP Scrotes last year, Frank McTwatt, the CEO of roofing and environmental refitting company Becoming Richer, has two dozen prisoners working for 6% of the minimum wage – what the press are referring to as “next to fuck all”.

One damning report in the Daily Shitraker claims Becoming Richer is bussing the inmates from HMP Scrotes open prison 21 miles away and paying them only £3 quid per day to run its call centre and using their criminal skills and thuggish tendencies to intimidate prospective cold call clients into contracting the company’s services and buying its products – or else.

More damning still, several of the jailbirds involved in the scam have turned whistle-blowers for journalists out to scoop any old scandal and filth – in exchange for a couple of ounces of Golden Virginia rolling baccy per grass-up - confirmed that since Becoming Richer started using prisoners from HMP Scrotes to make unsolicited cold calls they had unceremoniously fired an almost equivalent number of their regular civilian staff when they refused to renegotiate their contracts and agree to a pay cut of 40 pence per hour.

Conversely, in a pathetic attempt to justify the firings, Becoming Richer manager Jack Scumm claimed the lay-offs were part of the normal call-centre environment and the attrition rate conducive to the requirements of a demanding business where product sales and fiscal income / profit targets had to be met - and they had since hired better qualified ‘hard sell’ staff on token wages in a recent company revamp that embraced PM Scameron’s Big Society ‘Volunteer’ concept – as applied to the Prisons-4-Profit scheme.

Former Becoming Richer telesales employee Rita Skank told reporters "One day we gets this memo going round that we’re going to have two dozen prisoners from HMP Scrotes coming to work in our offices that next week and we all looked at each other and said “Where are they all going to sit?” – and then when we started getting called into the manager’s office one at a time and given the choice of working for £3 quid a day or being laid off, then the sodding penny dropped - they’d be sitting at our desks.”

“I’m in the process of taking them to an Employment Tribunal for unfair dismissal and a sham redundancy after I questioned the unfairness of their motives and the manager told me “Don’t talk to me about William Wilberforce or minimum wage slavery as you and all these other do-gooder civil rights activists can kiss my arse. We’ve got the Ministry of Justice on our side.”

Candida Mingerot, director of reformed offenders' charity ‘Scally Rehab’, informed media hacks that the government sanctioning a practice where prisoners were working in the private sector on prison wages was a worrying development.
"We don't want the issue of a bunch of con’s on day-release replacing staff that have been fired to allow their replacement with token wage labour – which is precisely what Kenny Clarke is planning - an expansion of prison work from 10,000 to 20,000 prisoners over the next decade.”

“Really, we’ve got enough problems already with unemployed Brit’s going off on pike-bashing sessions at the local Jobcentres due the influx of economic migrants from the EUSSR coming here willing to work for peanuts and steal their jobs.”

Baz ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, who moved to the Category D HMP Scrotes after serving ten years of his sentence for GBH and murder, spoke to editorial staff at the Old Lag’s Gazette on the phone from his desk at Becoming Richer, and related “As far as I’m concerned the job’s an effin’ doddle an’ gets us outa the cells fer the day. Ter me it’s effin’ great cos I spends half the time chattin’ ter me mates back home at Slumborough Hamlets in Newham an’ settin’ up drug deals an’ what have yer.”
“Then when I make a cold call ter some stockbroker belt types ter flog ‘em a new roof or a bunch of solar panels, if they get bolshie an’ sez they wanna think about it an’ call me back, then I get the lads ter go round an’ lob a coupla bricks through their effin’ windows wiv one of our brochures taped ter them - so they gets the message, like.”

Thought for the day. Definition of a volunteer: either someone who has a gun held to the side of his head – or a person who has totally misunderstood the question put to them.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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