Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Greek Plod Squad’s elite ‘Nig-Nog Unit’ have corralled an excess of 1,600 illegal pikey immigrants following a major crackdown in Athens, with more than 6,000 homeless vagrants and beggars arrested - although most were released when it was discovered they were actually Greek citizens fallen victim to the draconian austerity measures that have slashed public and social services like Freddy Kruger with St Vitus Dance.

Public Order Minister Niko Dipshitos defended the crackdown, claiming that regardless of the EUSSR’s Brussels-issued mandate for the 27 nation member community to become further integrated and form a multi-cultural Big Society without borders, Greece's current fucked-up economic crisis meant it could ill afford an invasion of immigrant scroungers when there were no jobs nor welfare for their own unemployed and homeless citizens.

Greece has recently been hit with a barrage of criticism over its rough handling of economic migrants posing as asylum seekers – with Amnesty International accusing Athens of treating illegal immigrants like criminals (Que - WTF?) and deporting them back to their countries of origin – well outside of Europe.

Hmmm, hopefully they don’t deport any Greeks here to the UK as we’ve already got one too many in the shape of His Royal Rudeness, Prince Philip – aka Stavros the Scrounger.


In what might prove to be the highest-profile defection since the last high-profile defection, the Syrian Prime Minister Liwat ibn Zamel, in office a mere two months, has pulled an ‘exit stage left’ runner from President Basher al-Assad's beleaguered government to join the Arab Spring revolution and the Free Syrian Army’s ‘Fesad fel Arz Party’

Mr ibn Zamel, who fled over the border with his family into Jordan, and then via a US diplomatic flight to the Great Satan’s ‘Golden state’ of California and a paid-for beachfront residence, issued a press statement that “I announce my defection from the Assad terrorist regime and will publicly join the ranks of the FSA’s freedom and dignity revolution from my base here in Santa Monica as soon as the CIA cheque clears into the all-new numbered Swiss bank account they’ve presented me with for my cooperation.”

In a desperate attempt to block further defections of military top brass and politicians, President Assad has ordered them to be electronically-tagged, which will also apply to Liwat ibn Zamel’s caretaker replacement PM, Omar Ghalawanji, who, as a further precaution against defection – will be handcuffed to his desk.


Obviously coming out in sympathy with Syria’s ibn Zamel, eleven of Afghanistan’s Plod Squad officers have defected to the Taliban and deserted their poppy-guarding duites in the opium-growing heartland of Bellend Province.
The men switched sides early on Monday in the top security Ras al Crapp heroin-refining district, taking with them a US Marine Corp pickup loaded with weapons – including shoulder-fired Shitehawk missiles and anti-personnel mines – plus enough H to keep the entire population of Europe stoned for a month.

This being the second such defection in as many weeks – with a police commander and 13 junior officers joining the Taliban in western Farah Province in July - the US / ISAF Commander-in-Chief General Billy Bob Redneck informed one press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that this latest act of treachery highlighted a major intelligence failure and was an embarrassing propaganda boost for the insurgents – and has hence ordered the entire Afghan Plod Squad to be electronically-tagged and armed with nothing more deadly than catapults.


For some bizarre and morbid reason, on Monday Japan marked the 67th anniversary of the atomic bomb attack on Hiroshima in a party spirit annual ceremony – which went off with a Bang! (sic / no pun intended) - with the tens of thousands of people attending the event adding their support to the anti-nuclear sentiment and protests that are sweeping the entire country since the staged reactor failures were initiated at Fuckupshima.

Tepco’s Fuckupshima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant suffered devastating damage last year when ocean-bottom pre-planted offshore 20 megaton nukes generated a deliberate and gargantuan earthquake-free tsunami that swamped Sendai and provided the opportunity to put Operation Sabotage into play, starting with Reactor No 3 and the surrounding fuel rod cooling ponds – followed by Reactors 1, 2 and 4 –which regardless of suffering faux ‘hydrogen gas’ explosion damage and being shut down, are still spewing out airborne radiation on a daily basis that has seen the imposition of a piss ant joke of a 30 kilometre exclusion zone – which should in all conscience be extended to 1,000 klicks minimum and the entire Fuckupshima plant entombed under 100 feet of concrete.

Attending the ceremony personally, Prime Minister Sloshiyoshi Eggnoggo declared that while the sooner people stopped protesting over the Fuckupshima disaster the better, the painful lessons of Hiroshima and Nagasaki should never be forgotten – and thus while the Land of the Rising Sun belay any resurrected plans for an Asian empire, the Great Satan be looked upon as unworthy of trust in all concerns.


The US space agency has managed to land a massive one-tonne robotic rover vehicle, known as Curiosity, on the planet Mars after a 570 zillion mile journey through space.

Unfortunately the rover has landed in a deep crater so will now embark on a two year mission to look for a ramp so it might climb out of its current entrapped predicament and not go round and round in ever-decreasing circles until it disappears up its own arse.

While the rover has a weapons grade Plutonium 239 battery that will provide far greater longevity than the solar-panelled Ever-Ready 'Going n Going n Going' power systems fitted to previous vehicles, fears have been expressed that the nuclear power pack could become a target for Al Qaeda’s Jolly Jihad terrorist astronauts.

Hmmm, odd name, Curiosity. Didn’t ‘Curiosity’ kill the cat?


Librarian-Dummercrat leader Mick Clogg yesterday announced that plans to reform of the House of Lords are being abandoned as their Conservative ‘Coalition’ partners are tooth and nail opposed to modernising the second chamber due the fact the core of its membership are their hereditary nobility relatives – and they the eventual heirs to those same seats of privilege and power.

The Lib-Dum contingent of the government had pushed for reforms which would have seen 80% of the rigor mortis-ridden peers elected and the total number of cadaverous members halved to 450.

While Lords reform had been a key goal for the Lib-Dums, the project’s failure is likely to be viewed as yet another campaign promise that has turned out to be more at scent than substance – all due traditional Tory intransigence, and with them being the dominant coalition partner that seems to wear the pants.

Deputy PM Clogg informed a press hack from the Snafu Gazette that Posh Dave Scameron and his gang had broken every coalition agreement made back in May 2010 – and the reforms represented a line in the proverbial sand - adding that there would be consequence if they were shelved – specifically at the next election when they joined forces with Ed Millipede and his New Labour losers.

Allergy warning: This medley was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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