Branston in Pickle viz Virgin Rail Snub

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Virgin Rail has lost its bid to continue running the West Coast’s Rattle-Track Mainline service and is set to be replaced by their arch-competitor Trollop Trains, the UK's largest rail operator – owned by Worst-Group SA.

Sir Richard Branston informed press hacks that Virgin's loss of the franchise, which they’ve held since 1997 following the privatisation of Broken Britain’s railways, was “a major snub and very disappointing news – like a kick in the nuts” – and went so far as to call the Secretary of State for Transport, Justine Greenthing, a ‘right back-stabbing twat’.
“Obviously the piranha-toothed bitch has suffered yet another of her ‘blonde moment’ attacks, awarding the franchise to Trollop Trains as we all know that their Worst-Group parent company’s main shareholders are a couple of dodgy Russian ex-KGB oligarchs - Oleg Mobsaroubles and Igor Lotsatottie – both wanted back in Moscow by President Vlad Putrid’s plod squad on a litany of criminal charges.”

Apparently Transport Minister Greenthing, the incumbent Tory MP for Slutney and a former Desperate Dan impersonator, decided to stick her thick neck out and shrug off the government’s customary institutionalised inertia by anointing the Worst-Group bid with her personal blessings, claiming Branston’s Virgin Rail had held the franchise far too long and grown complacent over the service they provided for travellers – whereas in contrast Trollop Trains – which will operate under the name Worst West Coast Ltd, will take over in December with a contract to operate the service until Hell freezes over - had pledged substantial improvements in the quality and frequency of services – and the government’s kickback.

However, Branston’s cries of “Foul!” besides - and claims that the government's current bid process was obviously "flawed" as his company hadn’t won the contract - not only original franchise holder Virgin had their noses pushed out, as contemporary failed bidders for the West Coast’s Rattle-Track Mainline service included Notwork Rail, First Crapita Connect, Inter-Shitty and Caledonian Creeper – along with the Snail-Rail and Jarvis Junk Trains no-brainers.

The WCRTM route annually serves 31 zillion long-suffering rail passengers travelling between London, the manky Midlands, the grim North West, Welsh Wales and the haggis-hunting Highlands of Scotland.
Worst-Group's chief executive Tom McTosser informed one press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that to improve the service they are planning to introduce a menu line of ‘edible’ sandwiches and other finger foods on the Birmingham-to-Glasgow route which will replace Virgin’s much-maligned ‘Barf Burgers’ and ‘Salmonella Snackies’ – and further provide stools and Zimmer frames for passengers forced to stand during interminable rush hour journeys when there’s a lack of coaches - and delays due the tracks falling to pieces.

The deciding factor in awarding Worst-Group the franchise was the pledged return of £5.5 zillion quid at net present value to the government over the franchise term – an amount far in excess than that offered by Virgin Rail, which is 49%-owned by joint partner transport company, Slowcoach.

In a press release Slowcoach CEO Sir Bwian Sloucher claimed the reason they had failed to secure the new franchise was due the fact Worst-Group had bid too much by contracting to pay impossible premiums to the Department for Transport which defied profit logic and would bankrupt the company in the first two years of operation – as evidenced by the past performances of GNER and National Excess.

“The government’s droppin’ a huge bollock here wiv Worst Group when yer consider their notoriety fer shit services on the Great Western and Snot-Rail routes cos neither constitutes a shining recommendation ter award them a franchise ter deliver newspapers or walk some sod’s dogs, let alone take over the Mainline service from us - the established operator fer the past 15 effin’ years.”

“Now these bastards are gonna reap the benefits of Posh Dave Scameron’s government ordainin’ an above-inflation level rail fare rise of 6% plus in January – an’ that little golden goose egg should have bin goin’ in mine an’ Branston’s pockets an’ not Worst-Group’s.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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