Tuesday, 21 August 2012

UK’s National Ill-Health Service Goes Global

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ox-Rat, the government oversight watchdog charity, has slammed the Libservative Coalition’s latest hare-brained scheme to ‘globalise’ the National Ill-Health Service as the most stupid idea they’ve had since the last stupid idea.

Speaking to one gutter press hack from the Snafu Gazette outside London’s prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Medical Excellence following a meeting with NHS bosses, Ox-Rat director Candida Mingerot opined “Wot a bunch of effin’ garbage these twats are comin’ out wiv. This little ‘consultation’ get-together woz designed ter put their feelers out an’ test the public reaction, so ter speak.”

“This government initiative’s bin thought up by that bunch of twats wot’s in the Cabinet’s think tank, the Behavioural Insight Team – them they calls the ‘Nudge Unit’. So now we got Posh Dave Scameron an’ his mate Mick Clogg pushin’ a profit-motivated foreign expansion scheme ter have the NHS go global an’ set up branches abroad.”

“Personally, an’ a lot of other folk will agree wiv this, I reckon it might be nice if they provided a fit-fer-purpose service here in the UK first instead of this MRSA-infested shambles wot we’re stuck wiv. Get their proverbial shit sorted out at home before they start buildin’ hospitals in some poverty-stricken dump where they’ve all got the screamin’ shits 24/7 an’ malaria an’ leprosy an’ what-have-yer.”

The Catweazel-coiffeured Anne ’Skeletor’ Milton, the incumbent MP for Tierra del Fuego and one of the Torie’s stable of Health Secretaries (rumoured to be a former body-bagger at Zurich’s Dignitas euthanasia clinic) appeared outside Richmond House in Shitehall looking like a Fraggle Rock refugee and wearing her favourite, albeit pejorative, “I Hate Fatties” t-shirt, where she promptly spit the dummy, threw a fit and sharply contradicted Ox-Rat’s press statements.

Milton informed a gaggle of snickering media hacks ““The NHS has a world-class reputation and some of Britain's best known hospitals, such as the ‘Freddy Patel Institute for Clinical Guesswork' - Scouseland’s ‘Alder Hey Hospital for Paediatric Organ Thefts’ - and the ‘Wallace & Gromit Cut n Tuck Transgender Surgery Centre’ are being considered to take part in the initiative - to raise funds for our insolvent government’s Big Society initiatives and promote the international profile of the UK’s health service and all our foreign doctors who’ve been trained to wash their hands and not smoke or chew beetle nut when in the operating theatre.”

“In fact we’ve run a pilot project for pikey immigrants at my ‘constituency surgeries’ – nothing too complicated like coronary by-passes but simple procedures such as haemorrhoid banding and vulcanising leaking breast implants – which was a joint venture with Kwik-Fit.”

Okay-dokey, just run that one by us again, Mrs Milton: “The NHS has a world-class reputation.” (er sorry, not in Broken Britain it doesn’t, sweetie).

Bev Titwank, chief executive of the Impatient Patients Association (IPA) had this to say during an interview with Jeremy ‘Mad’ Axeman on BBC2’s Newshite programme.
"The foundation stone of the National Ill-Health Service was to ensure care for patients, and that was a reality until a succession of moronic governments ‘exorcised’ the dominant and all-encompassing ‘Sergeant-Major’ Matron role that not only guided support staff and nurses but also doctors – and guaranteed the wards were clean and bacteria-free – and Mrs Jones with the kidney stones did not end up having a hysterectomy by mistake.”

“Now these clots are in the process of laying staff off while waiting times for an appointment to get a Band-Aid changed are being measured in months and not weeks. The Hippocratic oath is about treating the sick, not turning a profit to fund the government’s next foreign war of aggression against some hapless Middle East Muslim country.”

“Really, these grasping hospital trusts should be focused on treating patients in the UK and not sending off their staff to run around the 27-member EUSSR community – or any other Third World cesspits – with a first aid kit, an invoice pad and a credit card reader.”

Thought for the day. Hmmm, anybody trust Mrs Milton on this scheme? She who tried to pull a Slaggie Twatcher and steal the kindergarten kiddie’s milk back in 2010, to save a couple of bob – which prompts us to speculate if her own brood of four sprogs were denied the right to suckle at the breast due the restrictive statutes of Keynesian economics.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yeah, she really does look like a cross between old Catweazle and Skeletor with the hair and that rictus grin. Like the Fraggle Rock reference also.