Ulster to get ‘Golly-Flogger’s Charter’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Proposed changes to the laws on prostitution and human trafficking in Northern Ireland are due to go out to public consultation later this week - once Stormont’s Finance Secretary approves the Department of Justice’s purchase of a replacement black inkjet cartridge so draft copies of the bill can be printed.
If passed into legislation, the Human Trafficking & Exploitation Act – colloquially referred to around Dublin brothels as the ‘Golly-Flogger’s Charter’ - will see Northern Ireland take the lead in the UK on human trafficking laws.

In addition to providing protection for the younger and more vulnerable interns of the ‘second oldest’ profession, the bill aims to enhance support services for victims of sexual crimes as well as making it an offence to avoid paying the pre-agreed fee for services provided by a prostitute – going so far as to ensure a ‘minimum wage’ level is set for such amenities provided.

Buying or selling sex is perfectly legal across the UK – apart from where Sunday licensing laws are in place - however many activities related to prostitution, including kerb crawling, pimping, mass dogging and running a bordello next to a church, convent or primary school - are all outlawed.

Lord McTadger informed the media it was illegal to pay for sex in Northern Ireland from someone who has been coerced. "The majority of rescued victims of sex trafficking in Ulster are those found in pub car parks and nearby woods who have been coaxed into swilling back pint after pint of draught Guinness with chasers of potcheen by unscrupulous libertines, then taken unfair advantage of while they were in a soporific state of intoxication.”

“These poor lasses then come around the next morning, knickers missing, with a sore snatch and arse – and a bad hangover to boot, feeling like they’d had a cucumber stuffed down their throat – and elsewhere - only to find a mere ten euro note stuffed in their pocket – along with a knotted condom – if they’re lucky.”

“However, over in Sweden, they’re very strict on this issue and send out a clear message of zero tolerance on the purchase of sex that makes trafficking a criminal offence – with violators of the code very often fleeing the country and ending up seeking asylum in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London to avoid extradition and prosecution for their alleged sins.”

Candida McSkanger, a sixteen-year old mother of three who plies her trade of a night-time up and down Belfast’s Wankhill Road, informed one press hack from the Short Time Review that “Bejaysus, thank Christ they’re gonna pass a law at last, it’s what us good Catholic girls have bin prayin’ fer.”

“I’m fed up wiv blokes handin’ over a tenner note fer a quickie knee-trembler wiv me bent over a car bonnet, then shoving it up me arse an makin me blow em after – cos that’s a full ‘round the world’ three-holer wot costs fifty euros.”

Conversely, Irish Justice Minister Alan Shitter informed a media hack from the Pederasts Gazette that while there was a clear consensus on the evils of kiddie fiddling and the sex trafficking of sheep and goats, there were differing and genuinely held views, even in his own Masonic circles, on how criminal law should deal with child prostitution – if at all.

*** Second oldest profession. The ‘oldest’ is grave-digging.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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